Grandparents: The Bridge to our Past

"Do not cast me off in the time of old age;

do not forsake me when my strength is spent."

Psalm 71:9

Not much is mentioned in the Bible about Jesus' grandparents, but we know that at least on Mary's side, he had a set of grandparents, Joachim and Anne. We have to use our imagination to decide whether they were a big part of Jesus' life or not. I like to think that they were. After all, Mary was their only child (according to the Protoevangelium of James), and Jewish families were very close, so I would think that they probably lived near Joseph and Mary and helped to raise Jesus.

I was very blessed in this department. All four of my grandparents lived well into their 80s. I was already married and a mother myself, when I lost my first grandparent, abuelo Venancio. As far back as I can remember, my grandparents were a huge part of my life. My maternal grandparents lived with us until they passed away, and I also got to spend plenty of time with my paternal grandparents. That is, until I left Cuba and they stayed behind.

Growing up in Cuba, where everything was rationed, must have been difficult, but yet, I didn't notice it. Honestly, I don't remember lacking anything (except maybe cream cheese which I loved and we only got once a year). I remember that "Los Tres Reyes Magos" (the Three Wise Men) that visited my home every January 6th, were quite generous. I recall waking up to lots of toys. Later in life, I found out that my grandparents and parents had to scramble to get me those toys. My abuela Elisa would exchange fabrics for toys. My mother would sleep outside the store overnight so she could get me the doll that would hopefully be for sale the following morning as promised. They would barter and swap services and possessions, just to make sure that I would have the kind of Christmas that they once enjoyed in Cuba.

When I left Cuba, all four of my grandparents remained there. My maternal grandparents joined us two years later. That two year separation was pretty tough for me. My parents were struggling to make ends meet in a new country, so there was no time to spoil me the way my grandparents did back in Cuba. The nuns in the school didn't blend my food into a purée the way my abuela used to do. I had to learn to eat everything. And by everything I mean from "potajes" (stew) to sardines. While all the kids would eat in 30 minutes and play for 90, I would spend the entire two hours staring at my food. I was not allowed to play until I cleaned my plate. It took me a year to train my tastebuds to all these new things that I had never tried before, even though I was already eight years old by this time. However, sardines and I never saw eye to eye. The children that stayed in school to eat, received a "merienda" (snack) in the afternoon. The girls in my classroom would make bets among themselves to see who would get my "merienda" because I never ate it. The "merienda" consisted of either bread and cheese, bread and a bar of chocolate, bread with Nutella, bread with sardines... This last one, nobody wanted it, so I would hide it in the pocket of my coat. One time I took it home on a Friday, my mom forgot to check my pockets, and you can only imagine the smell on Monday morning. Eventually, the nun caught me giving away my "merienda." She punished me by making me stand in the middle of the central patio until I finished the entire "merienda." It didn't matter if it was raining, snowing or freezing cold. Oh, how I missed my abuela Elisa on those days.

Eventually I grew up, learned to eat (even though I still dislike sardines) and my grandparents reunited with us. And they continued to spoil me because that's how they showed how much they loved me. My abuela loved to tell me stories about her family and her life as a young girl in Spain and a young woman in Cuba. I didn't realize it then, but those stories were the bridge to my past. I now recall them with nostalgia. I would give anything to have the opportunity to talk to my grandparents once again. Oh how I wish that I had paid more attention to all those stories. If I had another chance, I would have written everything down. But I know that one day, I will meet them again in heaven and they will recount all those stories from my childhood.

If you have the blessing of still having your grandparents alive, spend time with them, ask them questions and truly listen to their answers. Write down their stories so one day, you can share them with your own children. And thank God every day for the blessing of having this bridge to your past. Love them, hug them and cherish them. That is the best gift you can give them.

St. Joachim and St. Anne, pray for us.

Siblings: The Branches of the Family Tree

"Siblings are like streetlights along the road. They don't make the distance any shorter but they light up the path and make the walk worthwhile." Author Unknown

My friend has a magnet in her refrigerator that says: "Sisters by Chance, Friends by Choice." Every time I read it, I feel happiness and jealousy at the same time. Happiness, because I love the relationship that they have, the friendship, the bond, how they can finish each other's sentences and how they know they have someone that they can count on no matter what. Jealousy because it makes me realize what I'm lacking, what I have been missing and what I have always longed for since I was little.

We don't choose our family nor the size of our family. Some of us are born into very large families and some of us are born into very small families. The siblings we end up with, whether ten, five, one or zero, it's pure chance. Some of us have a mix of brothers and sisters, some end up with just brothers and others end up with just sisters. We don't have a say in the matter, but how we cultivate those relationships is purely our choice. I know siblings that are best friends and I also know siblings that don't even talk to each other.

I landed in a very small family. Neither my father or mother have siblings and I grew up as an "only-child." Yes, I have two half brothers, but I left Cuba when they were just 21 and 4 months respectively, and I did not see them for over 25 years, so in essence, I didn't have any siblings growing up. And how I longed for them. I wanted to have siblings so badly that when I was about 8 years old, I had two imaginary sisters. I called them Ana and Luisa, and they were younger than me. They were the perfect sisters because we never quarreled, and since I was the oldest, I got to boss them around. It's a good thing this took place in the early 70s, otherwise, I would have been dragged to therapy for sure. But in the 60s and 70s, having imaginary siblings, was perfectly acceptable. And I outgrew all my imaginary relationships without any long term consequences. Even though my hubby would probably disagree.

In retrospect, I think it was normal that I longed so much to have a brother or sister because all my close friends came in pairs: Tere & Dulce, Ani & Lily, Lourdes & Leonardo, Ana Mari & M. Luisa, M. Jose & Inmaculada, Jorge & Oqui... No wonder I felt left out. During the day, we all played together, but when it was time to go home, they left in pairs and I had to go home by myself. Oh, how I prayed for a little brother or sister, but my prayers were not answered.

It pains me when I see siblings that don't get along. They don't realize what they are throwing away. A sibling plays a unique role that is irreplaceable. They share something in common, the same parents, which for most is the most precious relationship. And when those parents are gone, the sibling relationship should be the closest relationship, and yet, that is not always the case. In many cases, siblings don't get along because they felt that their parents played favorites. That can cause a lot of resentment among siblings. And it's sad, because at the end of the day, it was the parents' fault and yet, the blame is placed on the favored child, as if he or she had anything to do with it. But many carry this resentment throughout their entire lifetime, thus damaging what should be one of the most sacred relationships.

When siblings truly care about each other, the mutual benefits are tremendous. They can help each other out, they can divide the responsibilities of caring for their aging parents, their children can grow up together and have a special bond as cousins, and it will have a positive impact on their health. I read somewhere that the way a person feels about their siblings has a direct impact on their mood, health, morale, stress, depression, loneliness and satisfaction about life in general. 

I outgrew my need for a sibling, even though once in a while I still feel the longing. But what God didn't give me in siblings, He more than made up in friendships. He also blessed me with a husband that has quite an extended family. And I have witnessed first hand the relationship between siblings through my three children. I've had a front row seat for the past 27 years and I must say that having a sibling is truly a gift and a blessing. 

So if by chance life blessed you with at least one sibling, it is your choice to nurture that bond. If your relationship has fallen apart over the years, put aside your pride and take the first step towards communication. Families are complicated but at the end of the day, they are our greatest gift. Friendships come and go but we are stuck with our families for a lifetime. We are all part of the same family tree. And other than your parent, who else knows you better than your brother or sister?