Our Adult Children: Learning to Let Go

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." —PSALM 139:13–16

The relationship between parents and children takes a dramatic shift when they become adults. And sometimes, it's difficult for parents to accept. We are used to telling them what to do. We are used to having them depend on us. And all of a sudden, they don't need us so much anymore. And not just that, they begin to do things differently from everything we've ever taught them. They become their own person and we ask ourselves: "how did this happen?"

In the last thirty years a lot has changed. We usually wouldn't leave our parental home until we got married. Many of us didn't go away to college because our parents had just arrived to the United States and the idea of us going away to a different state when we had a perfectly good college and university right here in town was out of the question. But for our children, it was totally different. They had opportunities that we never had. And we allowed them to fly and spread their wings. The sky was the limit so many of them went away to college. While away from us, they got used to living on their own. It was hard for them to graduate and return to the parental home. So as soon as they found a job, even if it was in town, they moved out. And this is a good thing. We taught them to fly so it would be selfish from us to try to keep them inside the nest.

One thing that I feel that as parents we have failed collectively is that perhaps, we have given them too much: too much help at school, too much planning out their lives for them, too many toys, too much clothing, too much of everything. I feel that this has given them a false sense of entitlement. Sometimes they think that the world owes them something and unfortunately, the world doesn't owe them anything. We didn't realize that in giving them so much and making life easier for them, we were not preparing them to fail. And as we all know, the real world is not always easy. This is a common topic of conversation among my friends. Most claim that their adult children get frustrated and give up easily when things don't go their way. I hope they learn from our mistakes and they will allow their children, our grandchildren, to struggle a bit more so they can learn how to weather the storms in their path without giving up at the first sight of lightning.

Also, because our lives were so ingrained with their lives, we felt that we could plan their future just as we planned every day for them. And it's been a rude awakening for our generation to accept that some of the choices our adult children are making, goes against our dreams and plans for them. And sometimes, it even goes against everything that we have been taught. Our values are so ingrained in us that one of the hardest things for us to accept has been seeing this generation living with their significant others before marriage. But they are so much more open than we ever were. They are not confined by prejudice or judgment. And so, most of us have had to accept it and embrace it, because otherwise we would jeopardize our relationship with them. Deep inside, I still long that my children will opt for a sacramental marriage, but I'm seeing more and more that this is not always a priority for them. And it saddens me because I know how difficult holding a marriage together can be, even with God at its center. But at the end of the day, they are adults and they are going to make their own choices. And I've learned that if they don't ask for my opinion, I don't freely give it.

They are also choosing to practice their religion very differently from us. My three kids attended Catholic school and Sunday mass their whole life, but currently, none of them go to mass. I feel that they got to know God academically, in their heads, but they don't know Him spiritually, deep within their hearts. My daughter told me not too long ago, "it has taken me years to shake off all the guilt planted within me by my Catholic school education." It made me stop and think. Our God is not a God of guilt, it's a God of love. Somewhere along the way, we may have lost track of the right way to inspire them. And definitely, making them feel guilty if they didn't go to mass was not the right way to bring them closer to God, on the contrary, it pushed them away, at least from attending mass. I know they believe in God and they pray, but I also know how difficult it is to maintain this relationship with God without a community of faith to give them the support they will need when the going gets tough. So every day I pray that somehow, someway, they find a community that fills them and where they can grow in their faith, because I know that otherwise, sooner or later, the weeds of the world will suffocate them, and it will be very difficult for the good seeds that were planted as they were growing up to find its way out into the sunshine. I also hope and pray that they find their way back to His Home, not out of guilt, but because they feel loved by Him and by His community.

One thing that I truly admire about the millennials, as this new generation has been labeled, is their openness toward other races and religions. We grew up with more prejudices. Even if we don't consider ourselves racist, we tend to label people when we talk about them: "My Russian neighbors, the Chinese guy, the Jewish Doctor, the black family..." This new generation doesn't place any labels, they see each other as equals. My son Alex met John during orientation. They were both pre-pharmacy, within a year they both changed to business school, and on their junior year, they decided to lease a house with four other friends. I had never met John until I went to visit Alex a year ago, and to my surprise, John was not the blond American boy that I had conjured in my mind. John is as dark as can be, but to Alex, color makes absolutely no difference so he never mentioned it. It actually made me feel very happy that he had only referred to John as "my friend." I always taught my kids to value people from the inside out, to look at the heart not the skin, and I am in awe of them because they are teaching me so much more than I have ever taught them. Shame on me for thinking that John was blond and white before I even met him. I'm happy for my kids that they don't have the boundaries that still to this day, keep us apart from some amazing people just because they are different on the outside or because they practice a different religion. I hope the millennials can make a difference in our world and break all the barriers that keep us apart.

As our relationship with our children takes a dramatic turn when they become adults and we learn to let go, we have to remember that God knows them even better than we do. They are His wonderful creation and He has known them from the moment they were conceived. God has a plan for them which is probably totally different than our plan. We have to step aside so His plan can take shape in their lives. We did all we could, now we have to let them fly on their own and allow them to learn from their own mistakes. In the meantime, we can stand on the sidelines, always available when they need an ear to listen, a solicited advise, a hug or a shoulder to cry on. And always, always praying, while trusting God and allowing Him to do His work.

Teenagers and Beyond: Never a Dull Moment

"When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother said to him, 'Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety.'" Luke 2:48

If I had to choose just one word to describe the decade that encompasses the teenage and the college years, I would pick "anxiety." It was by far the most anxious decade of my life, and since my youngest is still in college, I'm still living it. I call it the never ending decade. I've been living it now for 15 years. No wonder I have so many white hairs.

Even Jesus gave his parents great anxiety when He was 12-years-old and decided to stay behind in Jerusalem without telling them. If He misbehaved this much when He was 12, I can only imagine what His teenage years must have been like. No wonder they left that part of His life out of the Bible.

In general, the teenage years for us were not too bad. Our kids were good, most of the time. But we still had to deal with rebelliousness, wanting to stay out past curfew, testing our limits, an occasional school detention, dating, and we had our share of bullying. This last one was one that I recall bringing quite a bit of anxiety into our home and into the home of many families we know. Children can be very cruel. And it doesn't start in the teenage years. It starts much earlier. The problem is that when they are small, we don't think it's all that important and that it will pass. But when a child gets excluded from a birthday party where the majority of the class was invited, it hurts them and it begins to leave a mark. What makes a kid more vulnerable to bullying than others? Well, I'm not a psychologist but I think that sometimes is based on looks, for example a child that is overweight or wears glasses or has acne may be more prone to bullying. And sometimes is based on personality. A shy and introverted child may have more trouble fitting in than an outgoing, chatty one. This may begin in the early years but it will definitely peak in the teenage years. And many times we parents feel totally helpless as to how we can help because sometimes getting involved may make the situation even worst. But when it peaks and it begins to affect our child's grades, or their sleep, or their self-esteem, we don't have a choice and this causes a lot of anxiety for all parties involved.

The three areas that terrified us the most as we entered this period in the lives of our children were alcohol, drugs, and driving. My oldest was 12-years-old when our community was shaken to its very core because a beautiful 16-year-old girl was killed while she was skating in Pinecrest. The driver that killed her was another beautiful 18-year-old girl who had been drinking tequila and smoking pot. Many of us were guilty of quickly pointing fingers: "Where were those parents? What were they thinking?" And I'm talking about accusations and rumors being spread out about both sets of parents, one set for allowing their daughter to skate alone down such a busy street and the other for not having better control of their daughter. I found myself in many of those conversations. At the time, we all thought that we were the parents of "perfect" children and that something so horrible could never happen to us. Oh what a tangled web we weave. And how could we have been so condescending.

Fast forward 15 years. Most of us parents that thought that just because we were involved in our children's lives, that because we sent them to private school and took them to church every Sunday, it would be enough to guarantee that our kids would stay in the right path and never get into trouble, received a well deserved slap on the face. We were proud parents but in the process we forgot that our children were human and that peer pressure was a very strong force for which nothing could prepare them. If you were blessed with a child that never got in any kind of trouble, that never experimented with alcohol or drugs, that survived the teenage and college years without a single mishap, drop down on your knees and say a prayer of thankfulness, because you my dear friend are in the minority. Even Mama Mary experienced anxiety during this turbulent decade, I can guarantee it because Jesus, even though He was divine and sinless, was also human.

As anxious as this decade can be, they must go through it because it's the tunnel that leads them to adulthood. And all we can pray for is that they mature and learn from their mistakes. In the meantime, we moms and dads, learn to pray, to let go and trust in the Lord. The rosary became my constant companion, especially during my hours of worry when I would sit alone in the dark waiting for them to come home. It brought me mercy in the midst of the anxiety, and a ray of light to my moments of darkness.

Thank God that during these anxious years, I became very involved in Emmaus. It was through the love and support of this wonderful community, that I survived. It made me realize that I was not alone. Everyone was going through some kind of fire. It's just that in social media we get a false sense of perfection. For the most part, everyone just shares the good things. Yes, we may share and ask for prayers if our child is in the hospital for an appendicis, but most people are not going to share and ask for prayers if our child came home drunk last night. But when you are in a retreat, with other women that are opening up and sharing the deepest anguish of their hearts, you start to open up too like a sunflower that has been in the darkness for far too long. And it's so much easier when we allow others to help us carry our heavy baggage.

We now have a mother's prayers group, mostly made up of moms of young adult children. We try to meet once a month and we follow the prayers of St. Monica, who prayed for years and years for her son Augustine who was on the road to perdition. St. Monica persevered and God took pity on her and touched Augustine's heart. And his conversion is one of the greatest miracles of our church.

Also, because we all lead busy lives and sometimes getting to this prayer meeting becomes impossible, this week I was inspired to create a mother's prayer group on Facebook. I'm calling it "Mother's Hour of Mercy." So if you find yourself awake in the middle of the night experiencing your hour of worry, come visit us as together we pray for mercy so our worries can subside. And through the intercession of St. Monica, patron saint of mothers, may we find peace in the night. It's a closed group so if you want to join, let me know and I will add you.

As I look back on these years where there was never a dull moment, I also recall that there were moments of great joy. The day we saw our children attend their first formal dance. The day they received an award for a job well done. The day they marched down the stage and received their high school diploma. The day they felt in love. The day they graduated from college. The day they got a job offer. The day that they said "thank you mom and dad for all you sacrificed, for all the sleepless nights, for all the anxiety we caused you." I have a young adult son that just got engaged, a daughter that is very responsible and fully independent, and a college boy that I'm still trying to get through the tunnel unscathed but who is maturing into a fine young man in front of my eyes. And in the meantime, I continue praying the rosary and asking St. Monica for her intercession:

"Dear St. Monica, troubled wife and mother, I need your prayers. You know exactly how I'm feeling because you once felt it yourself. Many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime. Yet, you never despaired or lost faith. With confidence, persistence, and profound faith, you perseveringly pursued your wayward son, not with threats but with prayerful cries to heaven, you prayed daily for his conversion, and your prayers were answered. Grant me that same fortitude, patience, and trust in the Lord.

Please intercede for all mothers in our day so that we may learn to draw our children to God. Show us how to remain close to our children, even if they go astray. Please join us in begging the Lord's powerful grace to flow into our children's life. Ask the Lord Jesus to soften their hearts, prepare a path that will lead them always towards God, and activate the Holy Spirit in their life.

Pray for our children and pray for us, dear St Monica. Amen."

Children: God's Greatest Gift

I took a small detour on my blog about relationships to go to Italy, and I kept my usual travel journal to record our adventures in that beautiful and blessed land. But now, it's time to return to where I left off. My meditations this year were all about relationships and I have a few more that I would like to cover.

The next relationship I want to talk about is that between parents and children. I've given this a lot of thought because I could write about children forever, but I don't want to make this into a never-ending meditation. So what I'm going to do, is divide this relationship into three parts: little children, teenagers/adolescents and adult children. I'm somewhere in the middle between the last two but I have a lot of friends that read my blog that are still at the beginning of the parenting journey, so that is where I would like to start, at the beginning.

When children arrive into an established family unit, everything changes. The whole world is turned upside down and inside out. It's incredible how such a little person can be so powerful. Not only do they require a lot of paraphernalia, but they also come with high demands. I remember when I was pregnant with my first one, my grandmother told me to sleep as much as I could. I asked her why and her answer was: "you will never sleep the same way again." How wise her words were. Once we bring a new baby into the world and into our homes, they have a schedule of their own and sleep will never be the same way again. Even after they start to sleep through the night, most moms will never sleep profoundly again a day in their life.

When a baby arrives, it's easy, especially for us moms, to center all our attention on our bundle of joy. The problem is that sometimes we forget that before we were moms, we were wives or girlfriends. And dads sometimes become a little jealous of all the attention being showered upon this little one. I'm not saying that they don't love their baby just as much, but after all, dads are always big boys at heart, and just like an older sibling becomes jealous of all the attention given to the little baby, the same thing happens to the dads. It's up to the mom to find the perfect balance between being a wife and a mother.

When we became parents, we were very involved in "Camino." This is a retreat for couples that are about to get married by the Catholic Church. I remember that this was talked about over and over again. "You have to keep your marriage alive." "You have to find time for yourselves." This is not always easy because finding a babysitter is not simple for everyone. Many people have willing grandparents but that is not always the case. But it's important because the parents are the trunk on the family tree, and if the trunk dies, the whole tree will fall apart. Children are happier when the parents are united, even if they don't make it easy because they will demand all the attention. But deep down inside, when they see mom and dad in a loving relationship, they grow more secure and sure of themselves.

Finding this balancing act was very difficult for me. Becoming a mom was and has been by far my greatest accomplishment. I would give away my degree, my business, my house and all my possessions, but I would never give away my children. They filled me and completed me in a way that nothing else mattered. They are the greatest gift that I received from God and they made me understand how much God loves us, His children.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mommy. I dreamed of it since I was a little girl. And when I tried to become pregnant and couldn't, my world came crashing down. It took two years of tests, procedures, infertility treatment, and lots and lots of prayers, until I held that baby boy for the first time in my hands. It was one of the happiest days of my life. The other two were the birth of my other two children. If I had not been able to have a child, I would have definitely adopted. I know that I would have never felt complete if I had not become a mom. But God answered my prayer, not just once but three times.

My oldest two are just 12 months apart because after trying so hard to have the first one, I never thought it would be so easy to get pregnant the second time, especially while I was breastfeeding. But I did and we had a baby girl who was in a hurry to come out and arrived three weeks ahead of schedule. You can only imagine how much time they took out of me. I worked full time at the time so between work, taking them to the sitter, feeding them, bathing them, and just simply spending time with them, by the end of the day, I was exhausted. Thinking about a night out was laughable. Our date nights revolved around the kids and their schedule. But eventually, we found our balance and even though, they were still the center of our attention, we began to focus more on each other.

I had always wanted to have four children, but having two so close together was tougher than I anticipated. By the time they were 5 and 4, I thought maybe two was plenty. After all, I had a healthy boy and a healthy girl. What more could I ask for? But God had other plans and when they were 6 and 5, He sent us a Christmas gift, another healthy baby boy. Just like his sister, he was eager to arrive early so even though we were not expecting him until early 1995, he showed up on Christmas Eve 1994. And he really came to turn our world upside down, in a good way. Now we were outnumbered with more kids in the house than adults. But we made it work and I would not change them for anything.

The hardest part for me from those early years was when they got sick. And boy, did they get sick. Not just the regular ear infections and colds. When my kids got sick, they had an uncanny ability to really complicate matters. Alex had surgery when he was 17 days old, Rafi spent 15 days in the hospital with encephalitis and Chabeli used to get these fevers out of the blue with no other symptoms, and every time they would pinch her to withdraw blood to try to figure out the reason for the fever, my heart would break. It got to the point that I wanted to keep them in a crystal box and never take them out. The minute they sneezed for the first time, I became paranoid. I didn't want to visit another hospital in my life.

If there was one thing that I would change from those early years, it would be to give them more time to be just kids. Sometimes we put so much pressure on our little ones, that we forget to just allow them to be kids. We live in an age of constant competition. We want our kids to be little Einsteins so we push them to their limit. So what if they start walking at 9 months or 15? So what if they get an A or a C? Not every little girl will become a prima ballerina and not every boy will turn out to be a Michael Jordan or a Dan Marino. We have to remember that our kids are just kids and kids need to have fun.

I got into the rat race with them. It was inevitable, everyone else was doing it. I rushed them from one activity to another. I look back and I wonder how in the world did we manage it. The car became our second home. Half the time, we ate and did homework in the car. We were juggling ballet, soccer, karate, baseball, football, cheerleading, gymnastics, piano, basketball, cross country, guitar, tennis, swimming... Yes, my kids were involved in one of those extra curricular activities at some point or another. Many times two or three at a time. I get exhausted just thinking about it. I must have been completely and utterly out of my mind. But at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. After all, exercise is good for them. It beat having them become couch potatoes.

In retrospect, if I had to do it all over again, I would have tried to find their passion and channeled it the right way. There was no need to have them in multiple activities at one time. Their days didn't need to be accounted for to the last second. Kids need time to just be kids, to enjoy being kids and to be creative with their time. Not everything should be planned for them to the last minute detail.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. It's easier to realize this now that I have already crossed that tunnel than when I was inside the tunnel. I think Alex had it a lot easier than Rafi and Chabeli because I had learned from my mistakes. We concentrated on just one activity at a time. He liked basketball so that's what he played. I knew he would never join the NBA, but he truly loved it and he was in the team with all his school friends. Eventually, he told me he wanted to play tennis and guitar so we added those two as well. But the difference is that it was his choice, not mine. Rafi recently confessed that he truly disliked baseball. Poor kid. I signed him up year after year. I can say that I didn't know because he never told me, but kids sometimes don't know how to say it in words. All we have to do is read their body language. He procrastinated to the last minute every time he had to go to baseball practice. The same thing happened to Chabeli and ballet. But she was more outspoken so when she was about 8 or 9, she said no more and she hung up her ballet slippers. Yet piano, she loved it. So what is the point of having them do things against their will when there are so many to choose from? Just because we liked something when we were kids doesn't mean they are going to like it too.

And when summer came, I signed them up for summer camp because they had to stay busy, every day, every hour, every minute. Until one summer when I decided that we were going to do something different. We were going to do nothing. And it was probably the best summer of their lives and the most relaxed for me. We went to the beach if we felt like it or just stayed home doing nothing. By this time I had already left the 9 to 5 work race and I was starting my own business working from home, so I had the luxury to do this. I know most working moms don't have this choice but it made me realize that our kids don't need to master everything. We need to find what they like and allow them to do that.

In the blink of an eye, our little kids will become teenagers. Sometimes I hear a young mother say: "Oh, I can't wait until she walks" or "I can't wait until he goes to school." And I want to scream: "Enjoy the moment. Hold on to today and don't push them to grow up before their time." The childhood years are the best. At night, we know where they are. The most we have to worry about is the sniffles or a bad school day. And if we give them the time to just be kids, they will surprise us with their wit, creativity and spontaneity.

One thing is certain, children don't come with instructions. We learn as they grow. But the most important thing they need from us is our unconditional love and support. We don't need to try so hard. They are a gift from God and He loves them even more than we do. So as long as we partner with Him, everything will work out fine.