Today, you begin your “Marriage Journey.” I call it a journey because that’s what it is. It’s a journey of love, sprinkled with unexpected surprises, lots of rainbows, plenty of sunshine, but also many rainy days, uphill battles and a few tornadoes. Even though I am not an expert on this journey because I learn something new every day, I am 34 years ahead of you, so I would like today to share some of the wisdom that I have picked up along the way. I hope that if you ever read my blog in the future, it will help you, not to resolve your problems or to answer all your questions, but hopefully, it will help you to realize that you are not alone on this journey.
Here are twenty pieces of wisdom that I have picked up during my own journey. They are in no particular order, and not one is more important than the other:
1. Celebrate each anniversary as if it’s your first one. If you enjoy eating out at fancy restaurants, make it a point of always going to a fancy restaurant on the 27th of October. If for whatever reason you cannot, bring the fancy restaurant to you. We have celebrated anniversaries at home, in restaurants, and even in the hospital. When you, Rafi, had encephalitis at the age of two, we celebrated our 7th anniversary at Miami Children’s, but we still had our fancy meal by your side.
2. Send each other love messages. Your generation doesn’t write on paper much anymore, but once in a while, surprise each other with an actual paper card. We have 37 years of cards and letters stored inside a box. Just recently, we took them all out and read a few from when we started dating. We had to laugh at how tacky we sounded, but we were young and in love. We are not so young anymore, but we are still in love, and we still send each other cards. You can also send each other a quick text message to let each other know that “I’m thinking of you.”
3. Go on an impromptu date in the middle of the day. You can go on a lunch date, or just meet at Central Park and share a sandwich together.
4. Say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. And never stop saying it. Even if it’s at night, right before you go to sleep.
5. When you argue, and you will argue, never, ever, bring the word “divorce” into the argument. You have made a commitment to each other for a lifetime. The world will let you know that if it doesn’t work out, divorce is always a choice. Don’t allow it to be. Every argument, every disagreement, has a solution, but when you bring “divorce” into the argument as an option, it will become the solution. We have seen many marriages that could have been saved end up in divorce because that seemed the only solution, and we know there is always another path, the one that leads to reconciliation.
6. When the children arrive, don’t allow them to become the center of your universe. You two are the roots of the tree and the children are just the branches. The tree cannot survive without the roots. Your children will be happier if you are happy and you have solid, strong roots. Yes, they will demand your full attention, but don’t take each other for granted. Let them know that mom and dad also need “alone” time.
7. Take one vacation a year without the kids. It can be just a weekend getaway, but that time alone without them will sprinkle a much needed dose of fertilizer into your marriage. And yes, you will spend the entire weekend talking about the kids.
8. Surprise each other with gifts “just because.” It doesn’t need to be anything big or fancy. Picking up Emily’s favorite dessert on your way home, or getting Rafi a puzzle because he still enjoys them it’s enough to let each other know that you care.
9. Communication is one of the most important ingredients to a successful marriage. If anything is bothering you, even if it seems insignificant, bring it up in conversation. It’s better to be open than to allow something small to grow into something big. Don’t let the glass get full drop by drop because eventually, there will be one drop that will cause the glass to spill.
10. When we got married, we were told never to go to bed angry. That advice did not work for us. It is better for us to simmer overnight and discuss the problem the following morning after a good night sleep. You need to find what works for you. If being angry at each other is going to keep you awake at night, then make-up before going to bed. If you need to let the anger simmer down, then give yourselves time to cool off. It’s better to be quiet than to say things to each other that you will later regret, because words do hurt and they cannot be taken back.
11. Never sleep in separate rooms even if you are so angry at each other that you don’t feel like sharing a bed. If you get in that habit, eventually you will end up living separately within the same home. Many nights we have gone to bed angry, and we don’t even want to look at each other. But we still share our bed. The following morning, the problem doesn’t seem as big as it did the night before.
12. Allow the child in you to come out once in a while, or a lot. Yes, I give you permission to continue catching Pokémon even after you turn 95. If you love doing puzzles, like I do, buy yourselves a 1,000 piece puzzle and put it in the middle of the living room table. This drives your dad insane but I do it anyway. Continue inviting friends over for board games night. Your children are going to love the child in you, so sit with them on the floor to play and let the inner child have its way.
13. Your children will need your love, not an inheritance. LOL. Sorry guys, you may not get an inheritance but I promise to love you a lot. Seriously, you both studied hard, you work hard, so now, enjoy the fruits of your labor. If you can afford to travel in first class, don’t hold back, enjoy it. Continue going to fancy Michelin star restaurants. Travel to the four corners of the world. I know you are doing many of these things already, but don’t stop doing them after the children come. The best gift you can give them is to share life with them, rather than give them material things.
14. Even though in the previous wisdom it seems I’m telling you to go spend all your money, you still need to save for a rainy day. Remember, I’m an accountant, and in my experience, I can tell you that 90% of the population live from day to day. This has nothing to do with how much you earn. It has to do with creating good habits. We used to save when we got married and were earning just enough to make ends meet, just like we save now that we are earning a whole lot more. I have clients that make a lot of money but they don’t save a penny. They spend everything they earn in material possessions. You never know when life can throw you a curve ball and you may be without a job. They say it’s good to have six months of your salary saved up. I say, if possible, have one year of your salary saved up.
15. Do not allow your jobs or your material possessions to become the god in your lives. Take time to enjoy life. And not all that is good costs money. If you enjoy the mountains, take a day off and go for a hike. If you enjoy the outdoors, spend a day at the park. If you enjoy the water, go down by the river and have yourselves a picnic. I know you love museums, continue visiting like you do, once a week. And also, find time to rest. There is no need to be always on the go. Take time to read a book, watch a movie or enjoy a TV show. If your job starts to take up every minute of your day, where you find yourselves just working and sleeping, stop and plan a different route. Yes, work is important because it opens the doors to many things, but you cannot live to work, you have to work to live.
16. You have both been blessed with an amazing education and with an incredible job. Most of the world lives in poverty. Share your blessings, your time, your treasures, and your talent with those in need. You cannot help the whole world, but you can help a small fraction. Find your passion, and put it to good use. When we serve others, we receive much more than what we give. There is joy in serving, and there is so much need out there. You don’t need to go very far. I am sure there are people in need in your own backyard. Don’t hold back. Share what you have so generously received, and trust me, your life will have so much more meaning.
17. Do not live your marriage in isolation. We humans were created to live in community. Build friendships and cherish them. Find a group, whether is through work, through church, or through your friends, where you can get together once in a while to do activities together or simply to talk. This will be especially important when you become parents. You will need a whole community behind you to lend you a hand whether is for advice, babysitting or just for some adult conversation. And you, in return, will be there for them as well.
18. Make room for God in your lives. I know that right now you are young, and you feel that you have the world in your hands. But life can turn upside down from one minute to the next. Don’t keep God inside a drawer only to remember Him when the going gets tough. Your journey will be a lot easier if you allow Him to walk with you every step of the way, not only when the going gets tough.
19. I hope you make me a grandma soon. A good friend told me recently that whomever said that children were the happiness in a marriage was sterile. LOL. I must agree with her. Children are not the happiness in a marriage. The two of you and the love that you feel for each other are the happiness in the marriage. However, children will complete you. You may not have children, either by choice or simply because they won’t come. And you will still be happy without them. But if you do decide to have them and you are blessed with them, as tough as life can get sometimes when a child gets sick or has a problem at school or gets in trouble in college, the joy that they bring to a marriage far surpasses the pain. I can tell you from my own experience that my life would not have been complete without my three children. Anything that I have accomplished is inferior to my becoming a mom, and I know that dad feels the same way, even though he will never admit it, LOL.
20. You are not alone on this journey, so whenever you have a question or need some advice, don’t hesitate to grab the phone and make a call. You can call dad and I at any time, day or night. We will always be here for you, and even if we give you a hard time once in a while, we are your biggest cheerleaders because we want you to succeed and have a long lasting marriage.
May God bless you today and always, and may He always walk by your side even when you feel that you don’t need Him. May He bless you with the children that I know He has already chosen to give you, and may you never take each other for granted. Enjoy the marriage journey, and may it be filled with joy, adventure, surprises and lots of unending love. May you live “ramily” ever after.
May God bless you today and always, and may He always walk by your side even when you feel that you don’t need Him. May He bless you with the children that I know He has already chosen to give you, and may you never take each other for granted. Enjoy the marriage journey, and may it be filled with joy, adventure, surprises and lots of unending love. May you live “ramily” ever after.
