In-Laws: The Syrup in the Marriage

"Honor your father-in-law and your mother-in-law, since from now on they are as much your parents as those who gave you birth." Tobit 10:12

When we marry our Prince Charming (or princess in case there are any males following my blog), we inherit the King, the Queen and the whole court. This is true in every society but especially with Hispanics. We all have a version of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" within our families. I tell my kids that before they fall head over heels in love, to make sure that they can also fall in love with his or her family because if they end up at the altar, they will be marrying the whole family. The in-laws can be like syrup. A little syrup enhances the flavor but too much can be nauseating.

We have all grown up hearing jokes about the in-laws, especially "la suegra" (the mother-in-law). And this is nothing new, it probably goes back to the end of time. I grew up in Cuba in the 60s, and I remember a TV program on Thursday nights called "Casos y Cosas de Casa" (Happenings and Occurrences at Home). I was little so I don't remember all the details but I do remember there was a mother-in-law named Tecla and there was something always going on with her. Then I moved to Spain and one of the most popular TV programs in the 70s was "Embrujada" (Bewitched), and once again, there was the mother-in-law always sticking her nose where she shouldn't. And when I moved to the US in 1974, my favorite program was "Que Pasa USA" and once again, one of the funniest characters was Adela, the grandmother and "suegra" to Pepe Peña who always managed to get on his nerves.

Therefore, it is inevitable that we all carry an inner fear of our future mother-in-law. Women fear the battle for their husband's attention and men fear the meddling of their wife's mother in their life. As an only daughter, I think it was especially hard for me to cut the umbilical cord both from my mom and my grandma. I was only 21 years old when I got married and I admit it, I was pretty spoiled. If it was up to me, I would have allowed both my mom and my grandma to interfere in my marriage more than my hubby would have liked. My parents owned two houses in a duplex lot. They lived in one and rented the other one. They offered us the smaller house so we could save money to eventually buy our own. I would have happily taken them up on their offer but we had just attended a weekend retreat called "Camino" to prepare us for marriage, and one of the things we heard over and over was that it was best to live alone and far away from the in-laws, especially at the beginning of the marriage. So we took their advice and rented an apartment instead. Later on, when we started looking for a house to buy, Rafael's aunt who owned the house where my mother-in-law lived, offered to sell us the house. It was the same set-up that my parents had, two houses in a duplex lot. My mother-in-law was very excited with the idea. She said that she would move to the smaller house on the back and we could live in the bigger house that she was occupying at the time. But once again, we remembered the advice we had gotten two years earlier at "Camino" and we decided to buy a new home about ten miles away from both of our families. Whether that was a good decision or not, we will never know. But when some close friends that got married just three weeks after us got divorced just two years into their marriage, we felt we had done the right thing. They began their married life living with her mother and the struggles between mother-in-law and son-in-law played a huge part in their divorce.

I learned to be a wife and mother with just a little bit of meddling from my mom and grandma, and I never had to fight my mother-in-law for my husband's attention. He paid plenty of attention to both of us and neither one of us was jealous of the other. My mother-in-law managed to find the right amount of syrup to pour in our marriage without becoming sickly sweet. She was available when we needed her but she never pushed her presence upon us. And the best part was that whenever there was a conflict, she sided with me. I think that was the secret to us getting along so great. She knew that the one she needed to win over was me, her son would always love her. I will definitely use her as the guideline to follow when my turn comes to become a mother-in-law. Hopefully, just like her, I can find the perfect recipe to become the right amount of syrup in my kids' marriage.

Time in a Capsule

Is it me or does time just seems to fly faster and faster? The older I get, the faster it seems to fly. And yet, a year still has 365 days (or 1 more on leap years) and each day still has 24 hours. But when I was much younger, I remember that from Christmas to Christmas, it seemed to take forever, and now, every year, when it's time to take out the Christmas ornaments, I feel like I just finished putting them away. I read somewhere that when we are kids, we feel like we have our entire lives ahead of us so time just seems eternal. But as we get older, we begin to realize that our time left may be less than our time lived, and thus time just seems to fly away. And here we are, with half of 2016 already gone.

I began the year inspired to write about relationships. It has been a very difficult topic for me and thus, I've only written 14 meditations in six months, which would be fine except when I look back at 2015 and realize that last year, I wrote a total of 109 meditations. This year has been tough in more ways than one: I lost my dad, I had some family issues and some health issues. My level of anxiety peaked around March and it affected every aspect of my life, including my writing. Writing for me is usually therapeutic but this year, it became a burden more than a relief, so I've been putting it off.

I've been reflecting these past two weeks on whether to continue on the topic of relationships or change course altogether. But the more I think about it, the more I feel I need to keep on trotting without altering direction. Yes, it's difficult to write about relationships because they can be so complicated, but we are all in the same boat. Some of us are having issues with spouses, kids, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends, co-workers... So it's good and necessary to vent. What has made it harder for me to write about this topic is that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I have to be very careful how I express what I feel. But at the same time, I have to be honest. So I need to find the fine line between sugar coating the truth but not distorting it. And I have realized that is not an easy task.

But I'll continue on this path while praying that I can do it lovingly but truthfully. I have already talked about relationships with our parents, grandparents, siblings, extended families and spouses. I would like to dedicate the second half of this year to in-laws, children, grandchildren (which I don't have any so I will have to rely on those that are already enjoying this stage of their lives), friends, co-workers, enemies... And wherever else the spirit moves me.

I'm not going to put myself any pressure because whenever I do this I end up doing less than planned. All I can say is that I hope to write more meditations in the second half of this year than I did in the first. God help me. And maybe I can discover how to put time in a capsule so it lasts a little longer.