Blessed and Obsessed

"If you think you can't love anyone more than you love your children, wait until you look into the eyes of your grandchildren and really fall in love." Author Unknown

My generation is entering the grandparenting stage. This year, I attended three weddings of my children's friends. My son also got engaged. This made me realize that becoming a grandparent is right around the corner. And honestly, I am so looking forward to that next stage of my life. That will be the day that I hang up the "closed" sign on my Accounting practice and retire for good. I want to be able to be part of my grandchildren's lives. And since most likely, some of them will not live in my hometown, I want to be able to take off at a moment's notice to be present at every milestone. In the meantime, I get to dream through the eyes of my friends that have already reached that stage. I enjoy the pictures of their grandchildren through Facebook. My friend Alina uses the hashtag "blessedandobsessed" every time she posts pictures of her grandkids. And yes, I can see how they can be a blessing and an obsession.

I met my friend Maria in my Bible study. Shortly thereafter, she became a grandmother to Grace. She opted to stop working at her husband's business so she could stay home and take care of Grace. But taking care of Grace didn't stop her from attending Bible classes. She brought Grace with her every Thursday. I was in love with Grace. I saw her grow from a newborn baby into the sweetest little girl. And I actually missed her when she started pre-school and stopped coming to Bible class. But after Grace, JJ was born and soon after, Emma. So Maria had babies with her until this year when Emma started to go to school. Maria says that she doesn't regret for a second the time she spent taking care of them. She says: "They have absolutely changed my life! The love I feel for them is amazing! Never thought I could love anyone more than my daughters but the love I have for them is so much more that I don't even understand it! They melt my heart! I love spending time with them and I actually feel I have more patience than I did with my own daughters! The best part is that I don't have to be disciplining them and I can spoil them a little and then it's time for them to go home!!! ❤️"

When I started dating my husband, I was thrilled by the size of his family. I had never met anyone with so many cousins. The first wedding we attended as a couple was of his cousin Lourdes. Since then, I have adopted her as my own because in the 32 years that I've been married to my hubby, I've shared a lot of events, both good and bad, with Lourdes and Cuqui, her sister. I was thrilled when I found out that Lourdes was going to become a grandmother four years ago. This week, I asked her how her life had changed since Benjamin was born. This is what she told me: 

"Never in my wildest dream could I have ever imagined that I was going to enjoy having grandchildren so much. He is pure enjoyment. From the day he was born he has brought so much happiness into my life. Whenever I am with Ben, I forget all my problems, I forget all the sad things happening in the world. It is like my mind is consumed with just enjoying him. It is like everything he does makes me happy. Sometimes I even wonder, “do I love him more than my own children?” Of course, I know the answer is no, because it is a very different love. I don’t think I can love anyone more than Monica and Yoyi, but when you are raising your children you have to worry about so many things. You have to make sure they are safe, that they eat well, doctor appointments, school, homework, etc. So you are kind of caught up in all that and the time goes by so fast. Sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back, stop it, and play with them again, just for a little while. With Ben it is very different. Those are Monica and Ryan’s worries. Jorge and I are simply there to enjoy him. Don’t get me wrong. I, too, worry about Ben’s safety and health, etc. I pray that God will always protect him and protect his parents because he needs them the most."

I also asked her if she felt that her relationship with Ben was different than it had been with her children. She answered: "Yes, it is every different. My children are my world, the biggest gift God has given me, but as much as I enjoyed my children in my life, I definitely think I am enjoying Ben more. Again, he is pure enjoyment! He has definitely changed my life for the best!"

I first met Lupe through work. I shared office space with her accountant so I had seen her in various occasions when she came to the office to drop off documents. But we became friends later through the Belen Emmaus retreats. She has three sons that all graduated from Belen and now she is the proud grandma of three beautiful girls. I asked her to share with us what it means to be a grandmother:

    

"As you know, God blessed me with three sons and now three granddaughters. I clearly remember when my oldest son Carlos and his wife Jennifer called to tell me that they were expecting a baby. It was my birthday and it was my gift. A real, true miracle from the Lord. You see, we did not know if Carlos could father children because at age 21, he was diagnosed with cancer and was treated with intense chemotherapy drugs for six months. I was grateful, thrilled and totally in love with this baby to come! Katherine was born and when I held that precious baby girl, my heart was filled with indescribable joy. My baby's miracle baby! A year and a half later, her little sister, Emma, came into the world. And just last year, my middle son, Danny and his wife, Heather, welcomed their precious baby girl, Samantha, my little strawberry blond, sweet girl.

Katherine is now about to turn 12, Emma is 10, and Samantha is 1. Grandparenthood for Carlos and me has not been what we envisioned. We expected to be involved in the day to day lives of our grandchildren, just as our parents had been in the lives of our sons. Unfortunately, our three granddaughters don't live in Miami. Our Cuban culture did not prepare us for the scattering of family. Embracing the "American way" has not been easy, but we thoroughly enjoy every moment we spend with our girls. At a moment's notice, we are ready to hop in a car or on a plane to attend a recital, an important game, a birthday party, or just because. My very favorite time is when the parents go on vacation and I am alone with them -- carpooling to school, taking them to dance class, helping with homework, etc. This is just how I had dreamed grandparenthood would be.

After three boys, granddaughters are a challenge, but so much fun! My heart bursts with love for them! The controlling, rigid mother who expected perfection from her children has become an accepting and patient grandmother who is able to dance and sing and laugh and cry with them. I am relaxed and I spoil them every chance I get. They have taught me to love with freedom and joy. And they love their Nana and Papa! Every moment with them is a reminder of God's incredible love for us and I thank Him every day for the precious gift of my granddaughters."

I also met my friend Alina through the Belen Emmaus. I remember as we were preparing to serve at an Emmaus retreat, praying for her daughter-in-law and her daughter who were both expecting. I asked her to share with us her experience:

"Within seven months, we experienced the births of our first granddaughter and our first grandson. When we learned that our daughter-in-law was pregnant, we were beyond overjoyed. All was magical and good, and exactly as we had envisioned life happening for our firstborn. Seven months later, when we learned that our only daughter was to become a single mom, at first we were confused and somewhat dazed… that was not the fairytale we had written about her life. Then, as always happens when we open our hearts to God’s plan, confusion gave way to gratitude, which always gives way to joy. When we welcomed Olivia Elise into our world at the hospital, Jorge and I marveled at how blessed we would be once again in just a few short months. God opened the eyes of our hearts to the blessings on our altar. The story was not as we had written it, but as He had when He made sure our daughter chose life. Though she was not supposed to be pregnant at that time, her son was certainly supposed to be born into our family, and we prepared to fill our home with all things “baby”. We were richly blessed.

  

Holding our children’s babies in our arms was nothing short of magical. Seeing our grandbabies through the eyes of our babies changed everything. Who knew that their hearts could hold this much love for a tiny, newly arrived stranger…? Who knew that in a few short hours none of us would remember our life without them…? As we watched our firstborn’s baby girl grow and thrive, celebrating each tiny milestone, we watched our daughter’s baby boy fight for his life, hoping against all hope that we would be allowed to keep him. In three short months, he taught us the value of life. He taught us to celebrate the gift that is each day. He taught us how strong we could be. He taught us to lean on each other as we all leaned on our God… even when we could not understand the “why”.

Five years after welcoming Olivia and Nico into our lives, we are grandparents to three little girls (Lucia and Bella arrived two years ago, just 3-1/2 months apart), and life is filled with wild flowers, baby dolls, princesses and dance classes. We are also grandparents to an angel who we remember each day as we treasure our time together, celebrate our imperfectly perfect life, and cherish the love that fills our every moment."

The Hernandez family turned the most painful experience of their lives into a mission of love. They created a foundation, Nico's Promise, in memory of their beautiful angel. And through their foundation, they started a bereavement program at Nicklaus Children's Hospital to help families that are dealing with the pain of losing a child. They will always carry Nico in their hearts, but God has blessed them with three beautiful princesses. And yes, they have every reason to be blessed and obsessed with them. I think that is a grandparent's right, to brag and be obsessed with their grandchildren, while thanking God every day for those precious blessings.

I would like to thank my friends Maria Betancourt, Alina Hernandez and Lupe Zumarraga, and my cousin Lourdes Ochoa for sharing their grandparenting experiences with me. Seeing the joy and love through their eyes has made me realize how much I also want to be blessed and obsessed. But I know that everything will happen in God's time. And I patiently await that day. 

We are not Losing a Child...

"A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Matthew 19:5

Accepting our adult children's choices is probably one of the hardest things for parents. As I mentioned on my last post, we have this tendency to plan their lives including their future. If it was up to us, we would go as far as choosing the perfect mate for our children. But we don't have a choice in the matter. By this time, we have done our part. The future is in their hands. We can give our opinion, even though I don't recommend it unless they ask for advise, but in the end, it's their choice, not ours. We already got married, we already made our choices, some may have been better than others but we learned from the good as well as the bad. Now, it's up to them, not us, who they choose to make a life with.

I was brought up hearing the following saying: "You can date anyone as long as he meets the three C's: Cubano, Conocido y Catolico (Cuban, Known by Us and Catholic). I guess back in Cuba these three criteria were easy to be met because everyone was Cuban, most people were Catholic and everyone knew everyone else. To a certain degree, this is also true of our Cuban community in Miami but unless we keep our children within the confines of our little community, this ain't going to happen. And even if they stay in Miami, chances are they will meet people from other cultures, religions and backgrounds because we are not so contained. Besides, we become very prejudiced when we think this way because there are a lot of people out there that are much better than we are and they don't meet any of the three C's.

Acceptance is an essential ingredient if we want to maintain a happy relationship with our adult children. Yes, we may wish for someone with a degree, or someone with a high-paying job, or someone with our same background or religion, but deep inside, are those things truly that important? The most important thing is the heart within. If the person our children choose as their lifetime mate has a good heart, is a decent person, puts family and good values over everything else, what does it matter if they are rich or poor, an attorney or a gardener, Christian or Jewish, American or German?

I must admit that I have pondered a lot on this subject. I have prayed to God to open up my mind and sometimes the old me still fights to come up to the surface, but I have come to terms with the fact that I must respect my children's choices no matter whom they choose to be their mate. My prayer is that God makes the choice for them and that He chooses someone that is perfect for them so that together, they can walk hand in hand into the future, loving and respecting each other. That is so much more important than the size of their paycheck, the religion they practice or their cultural background.

I have not reached the stage of having daughters or son-in-laws yet, but I'm fast approaching it since my oldest is engaged and getting married in two years. One of the biggest satisfactions for a parent is to see their children happy and my Rafi is so happy. And I believe the same is true for Emily. They complement each other so well that I know she is the answer to my prayers. Theirs is a match made in heaven. They are walking together in the same direction, loving each other, taking care of each other, respecting each other and making each other happy in the process. And I know that I'm not losing a son, on the contrary, I'm gaining a new daughter and I couldn't be happier for them.