Dear Keely and Alex:
The day is finally here. It’s been five years since you met. You survived a long-distance relationship, a pandemic, a move from Kentucky to Miami (Keely) and then from Miami to Charlotte (together). And through it all, we have seen your love for each other grow.
As you begin your “Marriage Journey,” we want to share some words of wisdom that we have learned during our own 40-year journey:
1. When we got married, everyone would tell us never to go to bed angry. We learned that sometimes it’s better to go to bed angry than to beat each other. Sometimes you need to sleep it off and talk about it the next day when the tempers have cooled off.
2. A popular phrase is “love is never having to say you’re sorry.” You will need to say “I’m sorry” many times. Hopefully neither one of you is afraid to say it because love means being able to say “I’m sorry” over and over again.
3. Choose your battles. It’s best not to fight over the little things, like who’s going to walk the dogs.
4. Celebrate each anniversary as if it’s your first one. Make it a point of always doing something special on the 6th of October.
5. Send each other love messages. Your generation doesn’t write on paper much anymore, but occasionally, surprise each other with an actual paper card. We have 40 years of cards and letters stored inside a box. Just recently, we took them all out and read a few from when we started dating. We had to laugh at how tacky we sounded, but we were young and in love. You will appreciate reading those cards in the future.
6. Go on an impromptu date in the middle of the day. You can go on a lunch date, or just meet at a park and share a sandwich together.
7. Say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. And never stop saying it. Even if it’s at night, right before you go to sleep.
8. Surprise each other with gifts “just because.” It doesn’t need to be anything big or fancy. Picking up Keely’s favorite dessert on your way home or getting Alex a book he’s been meaning to read is enough to let each other know that you care.
9. Hopefully one day you will have children. Always remember that the two of you are the roots of the tree and the children are just the branches. The tree cannot survive without the roots. Your children will be happier if you are happy, and you have solid, strong roots. Yes, they will demand your full attention, but don’t take each other for granted. Let them know that mom and dad also need “alone” time.
10. Keep the word “divorce” out of your marriage. Every argument, every disagreement, has a solution, but when you bring “divorce” into the argument as an option, it will become the solution. There is always another path, one that leads to reconciliation.
11. Never sleep in separate rooms even if you are so angry at each other that you don’t feel like sharing a bed. If you get in that habit, eventually you will end up living separately within the same home. Many nights we have gone to bed angry, and we don’t even want to look at each other. But we still share our bed. The following morning, the problem didn’t seem as big as it did the night before.
12. Allow the child in you to come out once in a while, or a lot. If you love doing puzzles, buy yourselves a 1,000-piece puzzle and put it in the middle of the living room table. Your children are going to love the child in you, so sit with them on the floor to play and let the inner child have its way.
13. Always put the other one first. And both of you must be on board because if only one of you does this, eventually resentment and competition will creep into your marriage. But if both of you care more for each other than you do for yourselves, then your love for each other will grow more each day.
14. Honesty is the best policy. If you start keeping things from each other, soon you will lose trust, which is one of the main ingredients for a successful marriage. It’s very difficult to regain trust once it’s gone.
15. Put money aside for a rainy day, or even more, save for a hurricane. You never know when life can throw you a curve ball and you may be without a job. They say it’s good to have six months of your salary saved up. I say, if possible, have one year of your salary saved up.
16. By the same token, do not allow your jobs or your material possessions to become the god in your lives. Take time to enjoy life. And not all that is good costs money. If you enjoy the mountains, take a day off and go for a hike. If you enjoy the outdoors, spend a day at the park. If you enjoy the water, go down by the river and have yourselves a picnic. And find time to rest. There is no need to be always on the go. Take time to read a book, watch a movie or enjoy a TV show. If your job starts to take up every minute of your day, where you find yourselves just working and sleeping, stop and plan a different route. Yes, work is important because it opens doors to many things, but you cannot live to work, you have to work to live.
17. Communication is one of the main ingredients to a happy marriage. Keep the lines of communication between you always open. If something bothers you, don’t wait until the kettle boils over. It’s best to vent over little things than wait until they become a major storm.
18. Do not live your marriage in isolation. We humans were created to live in community. Build friendships and cherish them. Find a group where you can do activities together or simply to talk. This will be especially important when you become parents. You will need a whole community behind you to lend you a hand whether it is for advice, babysitting or just for some adult conversation. And you, in return, will be there for them as well.
19. Make room for God in your lives. I know that right now you are young, and you feel that you have the world in your hands. But life can turn upside down from one minute to the next. Don’t keep God inside a drawer only to remember Him when the going gets tough. Your journey will be a lot easier if you allow Him to walk with you every step of the way, not only when the going gets tough.
20. You are not alone on this journey, so whenever you have a question or need some advice, don’t hesitate to grab the phone and make a call. You can call us at any time, day or night. We will always be here for you, and even if we give you a hard time once in a while, we are your biggest cheerleaders because we want you to succeed and have a long-lasting marriage.
May God bless you today and always, and may He always walk by your side even when you feel that you don’t need Him. May He bless you with children, and may you never take each other for granted. Enjoy the marriage journey, and may it be a journey of unending love, sprinkled with unexpected surprises, lots of rainbows, plenty of sunshine, filled with joy, incredible adventures, and plenty of romance.
May you live happily ever after.
With love,
Mom and Dad
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