“When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, ‘Woman, behold, your son!’ Then He said to the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother!’ From that hour the disciple took her into his own household.” John 19:26-27
I feel like my heart is going to break into a million pieces. It simply cannot contain all the pain and sorrow that I feel right now. When Simeon predicted that a sword would pierce my soul, I never imagined that it would tear it apart.
I am sitting in the courtyard of John’s house. Even though I have not slept in over forty hours, I cannot fall asleep. It’s simply too painful. I keep asking myself, “Why? Why did it have to end this way? What was the point of all this?”
But I guess it’s best if I start at the beginning.
After I finally went into the tent past midnight on the day of Passover, I had barely fallen asleep when I was woken up by loud screams. “Mary! Mary!” I heard someone calling me from outside the tent.
When I walked out, I found Martha, Mary, Lazarus and John. They had come running to tell me that Jesus had been arrested. I felt my legs give way. Sarah and Luke who had also woke up with the screams had to grab me. Soon, a lot of people were coming out of their tents to find out why all the commotion.
“Where have they taken Him?” I asked.
“We don’t know but we think that they took Him to the high priest,” said John. “We are on our way to the temple, but we wanted to let you know.”
“I will go with you,” I said.
“I’m going too,” said Sarah, Salome and Mary of Clopas in unison. Salome’s husband stayed behind but Clopas and Luke came with us too.
We practically ran all the way to the Temple. We were carrying torches to light the way, but it was rocky and slippery, and I almost felt twice. Luckily, John and Luke were by my side and they held me.
When we arrived to the courtyard of the high priest, the gatekeeper stopped us. “We are looking for Jesus of Nazareth,” said John.
“There is no one here by that name,” answered the gatekeeper.
We could see through the gate that there were people inside, and we recognized Peter amongst them. John called out to him: “Peter!”
Peter came over and told the gatekeeper that we were with him, and the gatekeeper allowed us to go in. Peter told us that they had taken Jesus inside, and they were questioning Him.
“The slaves and the officers were standing (in the courtyard), having made a charcoal fire, for it was cold and they were warming themselves.” (1) We approached the fire to keep ourselves warm, and while we waited, John and Peter recounted what had transpired. They told me that after the Passover meal, they had gone to the Garden of Gethsemane. While they were there, Judas Iscariot had come with the officers of the chief priests and they had arrested Jesus.
“Judas Iscariot? His disciple?” I asked.
“Yes,” answered Peter. “He has betrayed Jesus.”
My heart cried for Judas and I asked the Lord to forgive him.
My heart cried for Judas and I asked the Lord to forgive him.
We waited for what seemed hours. I saw that Peter was talking to some of the slaves and maids that were in the courtyard. Then I heard a rooster crow, and I saw Peter run away from the courtyard without saying a word to anyone. I was going to mention it to John, but then we saw Jesus being taken out. His hands were bounded with ropes behind His back. He looked at me when He passed us, almost like saying “I’m sorry” with His eyes.
We followed them to the Praetorium, where Pilate was. “Pilate went out to them and said, ‘What accusation do you bring against this Man?’ They answered and said to him, ‘If this Man were not an evildoer, we would not have delivered Him to you.’ So Pilate said to them, ‘Take Him yourselves, and judge Him according to your law.’ The Jews said to him, ‘We are not permitted to put anyone to death.’” (2)
My heart stopped when I heard these words. Put Him to death? What are they talking about? What has my Son done that would deserve a death sentence? I grabbed my sister Mary who was next to me. She hugged me tight.
Pilate went back inside the Praetorium, and he took a long time to come out. We figured that He was questioning Jesus. While we waited, more and more people began to arrive. News had traveled near and far that Jesus had been arrested. It was already morning, so a large crowd had gathered in front of the Praetorium. After what seemed like an eternity, Pilate came out again, and he said to the crowd: “‘I find no guilt in Him. But you have a custom that I release someone for you at the Passover; do you wish then that I release for you the King of the Jews?’ So they cried out again, saying, ‘Not this Man, but Barabbas.’ Now Barabbas was a robber.” (3)
I could not believe my ears. The same people that had welcomed Jesus into Jerusalem with palm branches just five days ago, now wanted Barabbas, a criminal, to be released instead of Jesus who was an innocent man? What was happening, dear God?
Pilate then took Jesus away. I could not see what they were doing to Him, but I could feel every blow in my soul. I walked over to a wall, and I leaned myself against it. I could hear the scourging on the other side of the wall. My Son was being scourged simply for speaking the truth. I could not bear the pain. Salome and Sarah came over, and they held me. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer, and I cried with profound pain.
Then “Pilate came out again and said to them, ‘Behold, I am bringing Him out to you so that you may know that I find no guilt in Him.’ Jesus then came out, wearing the crown of thorns and the purple robe. Pilate said to them, ‘Behold, the Man!’ So when the chief priests and the officers saw Him, they cried out saying, ‘Crucify, crucify!’ Pilate said to them, ‘Take Him yourselves and crucify Him, for I find no guilt in Him.’ The Jews answered him, ‘We have a law, and by that law He ought to die because He made Himself out to be the Son of God’.” (4)
“No, Father, no,” I pleaded. “They can’t crucify Him. Please, Lord, don’t allow our Son to be crucified.”
Pilate took Jesus back inside, and they stayed inside for about fifteen minutes. Then they came out once again, and Pilate “said to the Jews, ‘Behold, your King!’ So they cried out, ‘Away with Him, away with Him, crucify Him!’ Pilate said to them, ‘Shall I crucify your King?’ The chief priests answered, ‘We have no king but Caesar.’” (5)
I almost fainted, but Mary and Martha that were with me grabbed me. They both began to cry. And soon, we were all crying. My Son, my Son, He was being taken to the slaughter like a lamb. Pain courses through my soul, just like Simeon predicted all those years ago when Jesus was just a newborn Baby.
They made Jesus carry His own cross. We followed Him up the hill to Golgotha, where they would crucify Him. I wanted to get near Him, but there was such a big crowd following Him, screaming at Him, insulting Him, that I could not get near Him.
Then John grabbed me, and he took me through a side road. We ran together, trying to get ahead of Jesus. When we reached the top of the hill, before it curved, we ran back to the main road, where we knew Jesus had to pass. We could see Him coming in the distance. He could hardly carry the cross. It was too heavy for Him, and His body was already broken from the scourging. “Oh flesh of my flesh, what have they done to You?” I cried out.
He must have heard me, because He looked up and He saw me. And then, He lost His balance, and He felt. I ran to Him, but the guards stopped me. Someone cried out, “Look, it’s His Mother.” The guard must have felt sorry for me, because He allowed me to get closer to Jesus. He was on the floor, but He lifted His face, and He looked at me. “Mother,” He said. “I wish I could take this pain away from You.” I wanted to kiss Him, but another guard grabbed me, and pushed me out of the way. John held me so I would not fall.
Then, I saw the guards talking amongst themselves, and they grabbed a man from the crowd. He was “a man of Cyrene named Simon, whom they pressed into service to bear His cross.” (6) I said a silent prayer of thanks to this stranger for helping my Son carry His cross.
When we reached Golgotha, they crucified Him. I could only look on in anguish, feeling every nail in every fiber of my body. I wanted to run to Him, to wipe the sweat and blood from His face. I don’t know how I held on. I’m not sure who was holding me. At one point, someone asked me if I wanted to leave. But I knew that I had to be there, at the foot of the cross with my Son. I was being crucified with Him.
At one point, Jesus spoke. I have no idea from where my Son found the strength to be able to say a word. His body was sagging against the cross. But He looked at me, and He looked at John, His only disciple who was there with me at the foot of the cross. “He said to (me), ‘Woman, behold, your son!’ Then He said to the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother!’” (7)
At that moment, I realized what my Son was doing. By entrusting John to me, He was giving me a new maternal role. He was gifting me, His Mother, to the whole world. He created for me a new family. As He gave His life for the love of humanity, He entrusted all of humanity to me. Oh, but with what painful labor I bore these sons and daughters.
A few minutes later, Jesus “said, ‘It is finished!’ And He bowed His head and gave up His spirit.” (8) And I felt my spirit fly away with Him. At that moment, I collapsed.
I don’t remember much after that. I know that they brought Jesus’ body down from the cross, and they laid Him on top of a stone. I sat down, and began to clean His body, with the help of all the other women that were there present. “Nicodemus also came, bringing a mixture of myrrh and aloes. (We) took the body of Jesus and bound it in linen wrappings with the spices, as is the burial custom of the Jews. Now in the place where He was crucified there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb in which no one had yet been laid. Therefore because of the Jewish day of preparation, since the tomb was nearby, (we) laid Jesus there.” (9)
Somehow they brought me to John’s house. I don’t even remember how I got here. I feel like I am living a nightmare, and I’m hoping that I will wake up soon and it will all be over. But there is a love that is stronger than death, and that is the love of the Father. He is sustaining me.
Reflection:
In what ways is Mary a spiritual mother to me? Have I made a place for Mary in my life like John did? How has my relationship with Mary changed and deepened throughout my life?
Copyright © 2020 Christy Romero. All rights reserved.
References:
- John 18:18
- John 18:29-31
- John 18:38-40
- John 19:4-7
- John 19:14-15
- Matthew 27:32
- John 19:26-27
- John 19:30
- John 19:39-42
Resources from the following books are being used on this journey:
1. The Mystical City of God: A Popular Abridgement of the Divine History and Live of the Virgin Mother of God by Venerable Mary of
Agreda
2. The World’s First Love: Mary, Mother of God by Fulton J. Sheen
3. Las Palabras Calladas: Diario de Maria de Nazaret by Pedro Miguel Lamet
4. My Soul Magnifies the Lord: A Scriptural Journey with Mary by Jeanne Kun
All Bible references are from the New American Standard Bible (NASB) unless otherwise specified.
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