I got to Publix with just one hour to spare before they closed. I was prepared not to find half the things I needed, but to my surprise, they had everything in stock. It looked like the Publix I knew before this pandemic turned our world upside down. Even the household supplies aisle was fully stocked with toilet paper, paper towels and all the cleaning supplies that I had been trying to buy unsuccessfully for weeks. I wanted to dance and sing with joy. I headed to the deli section, happy as a lark, with my cart full of all the items I needed. While waiting for the attendant at the deli, I threw my grocery list in the garbage can, happy that I had found every item written on that piece of paper. I ordered ham, turkey and cheese at the deli, and when I was done, I turned around and my cart was gone. There was another almost empty cart in its place. I figured that someone must have taken my cart by mistake. I went on a frenzied chase around the store, looking for my cart filled with all the items that I needed. I asked every Publix associate that I ran into, if they had seen an abandoned cart somewhere. Finally, I ran back to the deli to frantically search for my grocery list inside the garbage can. I had five minutes left to run back and gather all the items once again, hoping that they would still be on the shelves. I couldn’t find my grocery list, so I ran to the household supplies aisle, just as they began to turn the store lights on and off because it was closing time. When I got to the household supplies aisle, all the shelves were empty. My heart began to race rapidly. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack...
I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air. I looked at my mobile charging on my nightstand. It was one o’clock in the morning. I had been having a nightmare. I was actually glad that I was in my bed and not at Publix.
The next morning, I shared my dream, or nightmare, with Rafael and my mother. What has this world come to that I am having nightmares about not finding what I need at Publix? Not even when a hurricane is coming have the shelves been so empty.
Tonight, once again, I woke up at one o’clock. This time, it was not a dream what woke me up. But as opposed to the previous night that I was able to go back to sleep, tonight the anxiety and the fear won, and by three o’clock I knew it was pointless so I got up.
I came to the living room, and I was literally shaking. I sat on the sofa, and I said out loud: “Lord, I am afraid. I am terrified.” It was the first time since this whole nightmare began that I have not been able to control my emotions. I didn’t know what to do. Should I pray the rosary? I started but I simply couldn’t concentrate. And then I remembered that Belen was posting their daily mass in their YouTube channel. I went to search for it, but I didn’t even have to. As soon as I opened my iPad, I had a notification. All I had to do was slide it to the right, and it opened directly into the recorded mass. I did not realize at the time that it was not yesterday’s mass, but the one from two days ago. But God knew that was the one that I needed to hear.
The celebrant was newly ordained Father Julio Minsal-Ruiz. He said that “we live in a consumer society that is sowing panic in us. We go to the stores and we see empty shelves because we are busy and caught up in the consumer society. We learn in the consumer society to sow panic, but as Pope Francis said in his ‘Urbi et Orbi’ blessing last Friday, ‘now is not the time of God’s judgment, but of our own: a time to choose what matters and what passes away, a time to separate what is necessary from what is not.’ We as Christians are called to contemplate what is essential and necessary to our lives.”
After listening to his homily, and receiving spiritual communion, my panic was gone. I finished writing step #30 of a Lenten Journey with Mary, and then I decided to take Father Julio’s advice, and I spent some time in contemplation. I decided to be a Mary instead of a Martha for a change. I just sat at Jesus’ feet, and I allowed His love to embrace me.
As I sit in my balcony every afternoon after working from home, I gaze into the horizon and I realize how blessed we are to live in such a beautiful city. I can see from my balcony all the way to Key Biscayne and Coconut Grove. The days have been so beautiful and clear, that I can even see the boats out in the water. And then I realize that we are missing out on spring. We are stuck here at home, it is not safe to go out, and this is happening at the prettiest time of the year. And I get upset.
But as I sat today at Jesus’ feet, I realized that we do not need to miss out on spring. I remember when my family left Cuba, and they had to leave their house and all their possessions behind, my grandmother used to tell me that they took away our material things but they were not able to take away the important things. I would ask her: “what are the important things, abuela?” And she would tell me that the important things were the things that we carried within. They could not take away our education, the knowledge that we carried in our minds. They could not take away our faith. They could not take away the love for our family. Yes, they took our home and our possessions, but those were replaceable. But what was truly “essential and necessary,” we still had with us.
And it’s the same now. We may miss out on the spring outside, but we can cultivate our own inner spring. If we allow the media to sow panic within us, then all we are cultivating are weeds and thorns. But if we allow God to sow hope within us, then we can cultivate good seeds that will eventually bloom into beautiful flowers. We need to sow only what is truly “essential and necessary” for our garden to bloom into a beautiful spring.
In a few hours, I will attempt, this time for real, to go to Publix to buy our basic necessities. But this time around, I’m not going to allow the empty shelves to affect my mood. I am not going to lose sleep over not finding toilet paper or disinfectant wipes. And if I lose my cart, it will just mean that another person needed those items more than I did.
Copyright © 2020 Christy Romero. All rights reserved.
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