“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow.” Psalms 31:9-10
Good evening Lord.
I have never suffered such intense agony as in the past few days. The more I have prayed to you, the less I understand. I have been “wounded (in my) inmost heart by an arrow of grief… The principal cause of (my) grief (is) the most chaste, and therefore the most intense love with which (I) cherish (Mary), and in which (I) have from the beginning given over to her (my) whole heart” (1).
Certainly, I had no part in this pregnancy. Even though Clopas and Salome seem to think that the baby is mine, I know is not. What should I do, Lord? Should I dishonor Mary? This thought alone is causing me so much anxiety. Should I keep the disgrace and shame to myself? According to our laws, I am “obliged to deliver over (my) Spouse to the authorities to be stoned (Lev 20:10), for this (is) the punishment of an adulteress convicted of the crime. (This is the) most intimate cause of (my) sorrow, and (the one) which (gives me) the deepest pain” (1). I am dreading this decision, but I am a noble and honorable man that always follows the law. “(My) heart, filled with these painful considerations, (finds) itself as it were exposed to the thrusts of many sharp-edged swords” (1).
“Most high Lord and God, my desires and sighs are not unknown to Thee. I find myself cast about by the violent waves of sorrow (Psalms 31:10) which through my senses have come to afflict my heart. I have given myself over with entire confidence to the Spouse whom Thou hast given me. I have confided entirely in her holiness; and the signs of this unexpected change in her are giving rise to tormenting and fearful doubts lest my confidence be misplaced. Nothing have I until now seen in her which could give occasion for any doubt in her modesty and her extraordinary virtue; yet at the same time I cannot deny that she is pregnant. To think that she has been unfaithful to me, and has offended Thee, would be temerity in view of such rare purity and holiness: to deny what my own eyes perceive is impossible. But it is not impossible that I die of grief, unless there is some mystery hidden beneath it which I cannot yet fathom. Reason proclaims her as blameless, while the senses accuse her. She conceals from me the cause of her pregnancy, while I have it before my eyes. What shall I do? God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Receive my tears as an acceptable sacrifice; and if my sins merit thy indignation, let thy own clemency and kindness move Thee not to despise my excruciating sorrow. I do not believe that Mary has offended Thee; yet much less can I presume that there is a mystery of which I, as her spouse, am not to be informed. Govern Thou my mind and heart by thy divine light, in order that I may know and fulfill that which is most pleasing to Thee” (1).
Lord, tonight, I am feeling very anxious. Please help me find tranquility for my heart. “I do not know by whom or how (her pregnancy) was caused; and therefore I find no way to restore my peace. I resign myself to thy Providence” (1). Please, show me what I must do.
Reflection:
Joseph is experiencing his own Calvary. He doesn’t understand what has happened. On one hand, he knows that Mary is pure and virtuous, but on the other hand, he cannot deny that she has been unfaithful to him. All his plans for marriage and a happy life with Mary have suddenly been changed. What do I do when the Lord changes my plans? Do I allow Him to guide my steps through a new plan? I must trust that God knows exactly what I need and He will lead the way, even if I don’t understand.
Copyright © 2024 Christy Romero. All rights reserved.
References:
- The Mystical City of God: A Popular Abridgement of the Divine History and Live of the Virgin Mother of God by Venerable Mary of Agreda (Book 4, Chapter I).
Resources from the following books are being used on this journey:
- The Mystical City of God: A Popular Abridgement of the Divine History and Live of the Virgin Mother of God by Venerable Mary of Agreda
- Consecration to St. Joseph by Fr. Donald H. Calloway
- Las Palabras Calladas: Diario de Maria de Nazaret by Pedro Miguel Lamet
All Bible references are from the New American Revised Edition Bible (NAREB) unless otherwise specified.
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