It's been a while since I write. I have not posted on my blog since Rafi and Emily got married, and I have not written a word on my personal journal. I could find one thousand excuses, but the bottom line is that I simply have not made the time for it. It's easy to say, "I have been too busy to write," but I find time to do other things. I could say, "I'm going through a dry spell," but I know from experience that the minute that I open my journal and grab a pen, the words just fall on the page as if by holy inspiration.
Today, I went to mass. This is rare for me on a weekday. But today, we did not do our usual morning walk and rosary because it was simply too cold in Miami. And yes, my inner temperature is definitely tropical. I have to wear a sweater if it drops below 80 degrees. Even though I did not set my alarm, I woke up early and was on my feet at 4:45. Therefore, I decided that instead of going to the office earlier than usual, I would pay a visit to Jesus. I have so much to be thankful for this year, and I usually only visit Him in the Blessed Sacrament when I'm in need. Today, I was early enough that I was able to pay Him a visit before mass.
We all have those years that we would rather erase from the calendar. I remember recent years that I would delete... 2009, 2013, 2014, 2016... Usually, these are years when really bad things have happened in our lives. 2009 was the year that Rafi was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 2013 was the year that we lost both our in-laws and my dad almost lost his leg. 2014 was the year that my dad was diagnosed with an angiosarcoma, and 2016 was the year that he left us. But even in spite of these hardships, every year is usually a mix of suffering and blessings. Yes, 2009 was the year that Rafi was diagnosed, but that year Rafael and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. Rafi's illness, instead of driving us apart, it sealed us together, and now we are glued to each other like cement. It was also the year that we began serving our community in the ministry of mental illness, and the blessings that we have received through this service, far surpasses the pain and suffering we felt on that fateful 24th of April when we received the news that our son was being hospitalized in a mental health facility.
Even in 2013 when we were hit with one hardship after another, my husband returned to his old job and old boss, and we have been blessed a thousand fold by that decision. It was also the year when Alex graduated from high school, and started at UConn. It was the year when Chabeli passed her CPA exam and graduated with her MBA. And my dad did not lose his leg.
When my dad was diagnosed with his cancer, we had a perfectly planned trip to the Scandinavian Countries. We had to cancel it, but that opened the door to an unexpected trip to Spain at the end of the year to use up the open tickets that otherwise would have expired. We had not visited Spain, my other home country, in ten years. I got to see my friends who are like family. I got to visit the school where I had gone for elementary, and I even got to reconnect with my 4th grade teacher who is now the superior of their congregation. We still email each other to this day. And the best part of that year was that my dad was given a reprieve. His cancer was cured, at least temporarily, and God gave us the gift of two additional years with him. It helped to prepare us to let him go in 2016. It made his parting easier, and we have the hope that we will be reunited with him one day.
There are years, however, when the blessings far surpass the pain and suffering. This is what 2018 has been for us. A year where the blessings have rained down from heaven. I know that this year was definitely a gift from above, so I feel that I have to be on my knees every minute saying "thank You, Jesus."
Among the many blessings, Rafael and I got to go to the Holy Land with an outstanding group of pilgrims, and the two most amazing priests. This was by far the number one item on my bucket list since 2010. We had an invitation to go that year, but we had to decline because we just did not feel comfortable leaving the country after Rafi had just returned to Princeton after his leave of absence. After that, we received two more invitations, but the timing was never quite right. But 2018 was definitely our year. The timing was just perfect, and it marked the start of the shower of blessings that God would send us.
Chabeli was promoted at her work with an incredible review. Alex, who had a difficult time finding a job after graduating in December 2017, received an offer right after we returned from the Holy Land. This had been one of my top prayers while visiting all the sacred sites, and Jesus answered it right away. And the bonus was that the job was on Hallandale Beach, so he was staying very close to home.
Another major blessing for me was to be able to attend a convention in Vegas with Rafi about disability inclusion. I sat at one of his two talks, and I was in awe to see how far he has come. It took me a while to come to terms with his illness, and to accept the fact that he would probably live with it for the rest of his life. When I finally acknowledged that this did not have to be the end of our world, my prayer for my son turned from "please, God, heal him," to "please, God, empower Rafi to share his testimony and help others through his experience." This prayer was answered with fireworks in Vegas. When I heard my son speak, and more important, when I heard the feedback that he received, I just wanted to drop on my knees right then and there in front of everyone. I heard people come up to him at the end to thank him for sharing his journey. I heard a lady tell him that he had given her hope. What more could I ask for? When I returned, Rafael and I watched the videos of his two talks, and we just looked at each other and smiled. The journey had been difficult, sometimes it still is, but if this is Rafi's mission, blessed be the Lord.
You can only imagine what seeing him get married meant for us. When a child gets diagnosed with a serious mental illness, you don't know what the future holds. Keeping him alive becomes the primary goal at first. The next one is to make sure that he can lead a normal life in spite of his illness. We knew that for this to happen, he needed a special woman in his life. We prayed for her, and God sent him Emily. She is an angel in Rafi's life. Rafael and I refer to her as Saint Emily. When I heard Rafi speak his vows, my heart was ready to explode with joy. You see, Rafi has never been very emotional, so to see him pour out all the love that he felt for her from his heart, was more than a mother could ask for. But when the flood gates opened was when Emily said her vows to him. To see my son through her eyes was the biggest gift that I could have ever asked for. If I had any doubts before, I knew then and there that Emily had been especially hand-picked for Rafi by our Lord.
There are many more little blessings that we have received throughout this year: a new apartment that will become our home in 2019; my practice grew a lot so I had to move into a larger office, and hire a new employee; Alex, who has been having health issues, had a procedure yesterday and the results were benign; Rafi and Emily had a flawless honeymoon around the world in spite of my worries because of certain places that they were visiting; Chabeli is expanding her horizons with new clients... I definitely don't need any gifts this Christmas. All I need to do is wrap all the blessings that I have received this year within my heart, and reopen each one every year, especially on those tough years that will inevitably leave a mark on my calendar because life is a rollercoaster... some years we are up, others we are down, but the majority, it's a mix of ups and downs.
I know many people that would like to erase 2018 from their calendars... I have attended many funerals of dear friends and family members; I have friends that have been diagnosed with that monster that we know as "cancer"; I have friends that have lost their jobs; I know people that are dealing with legal issues, financial issues, family problems... whatever it is that makes you want to delete this year from your lives, take it to the cross and place it at Jesus' feet. And then, make a list of the blessings that you have received this year, and place those at Jesus' feet as well. Thank Him for the blessings, and ask Him to open your heart to see how you can offer up your suffering for others. He will answer your prayer because He always does. Just be patient, because He always answers but in His time, not ours. And if you feel that He is ignoring you, it may be because He has a different plan, and you may need to adjust your prayer. He did not grant me a cure for Rafi, but He granted me an even bigger gift because I have no doubt that a lot of people will benefit from Rafi opening up his heart, and sharing his journey with the world.
The best gift that we can all give to Jesus this Christmas is to make time for Him... whether by attending an additional mass on a weekday, or an hour just sitting at His feet in the Blessed Sacrament, or separating time for Him even if we can only do it from our homes or in the car. And I promise that the gift we give to Him, will be returned to us a hundred fold. Look what it did for me. I had not written a word in over a month, and He showered me with inspiration, simply because I made time for him this morning. Yes, I definitely don't need any gifts this Christmas. I have already received them.
Thank You, Jesus!!! I love You with all my heart!!!
