"If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive."
— St. Teresa of Calcutta
This week in my Emmaus chat group, we had a very interesting discussion about the topic of forgiveness. “What exactly does it mean to forgive? Does it mean that you have to accept something that you believe is wrong?” These questions opened up the dialogue.
Many years ago, a person that was like a second mother to me, did something very painful. I won’t go into the details but I can say that it was such a breach of trust that it shattered our relationship. Our families were so close that we used to spend all our holidays together. What she did, hurt me to the core of my being. I was 32 years old at the time, and I had never felt so betrayed. Needless to say, we stopped talking and I didn’t see her again for years. I had not realized how much pain I had been carrying in my heart until one day when out of the blue, she called me. She was at Baptist Hospital with her husband who was in a comma after having had a stroke just a few days earlier.
When she called, all the pain of what she had done all those years ago came rushing into my heart like a current of water from a river. My first thought was just to say: “I’m sorry that this happened and hang up.” But I knew that if she had called me was because she didn’t have anyone else to turn to, and I just couldn’t turn my back on her. At the time, I lived across from Baptist Hospital. I asked her if she wanted me to go to the hospital but she said he was in ICU and I would not be able to see him. I realized then that what she really needed was to get out of that hospital for a few hours. I asked her if she wanted to stop by our house and she came over. She needed an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. As I offered that to her, I silently forgave her and the pain I had been carrying was released from my heart like a balloon flying away in the wind.
Holding a grudge against someone hurts the grudge holder more than the other person. And yet, we choose to drag grudges around like a sack full of rocks. I say choose because forgiveness is a very personal choice. Forgiving doesn’t mean that we are going to forget. There’s a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is necessary. Forgetting is impossible. Forgiveness soothes the heart and helps us release the pain that we have been carrying around. It would be great if we could forget but our memories are a part of us and it’s not that easy to push them away.
I am sure that all of us, at some point, whether intentionally or unintentionally, have done something that has hurt another person. Just recently, a really close friend of mine lost her sister. She sent me the information about the mass. I wrote it on my calendar but I have this horrible habit of not checking my calendar at the start of each day. On the day of the mass, I looked at my calendar at 1 pm. The mass was at 11 am. I wanted to cry. How could I have forgotten something so important? I was beyond upset at myself because I had not been present for my friend when she needed me most. I hoped for forgiveness but I honestly could not blame her if she didn’t. I thought of making up an excuse: “My car broke down or I had a stomach virus.” But she deserved my honesty no matter the consequences. I called her that night, I apologized, told her the truth and hoped she would forgive me. And she did. I’m not sure I would have been so understanding but in this situation, she was the better person. She chose to forgive.
There are many different levels of actions and relationships. It would be a lot harder to forgive a spouse that cheats on the marriage than to forgive a child that cheats on a test. It would hurt a lot more if a sibling does something painful than a friend, but it may be easier to forgive the sibling than the friend because family is forever while friends come and go. Someone that was abused as a child will have a very hard time forgiving the abuser, and even if able to, will never forget. There are scars that last a lifetime.
I think an important question we need to ask ourselves if we are holding a grudge against someone or carrying a deep scar is: “If that person were to die tomorrow, will I be fine if I didn’t at least attempt to make amends?” If the answer is no, then we need to reach out and try to say the words: “I forgive you.” It’s best to swallow our pride once than live with regrets for the rest of our lives.
My friend’s husband died a few days later. She never brought up what had torn our relationship apart. She never asked for forgiveness and I never said the words out loud, but in my heart, i forgave her. I went to his funeral and I was with her at her time of need. I was surprised that there were not a lot of people at his funeral when their house had always been filled with friends. I remember that she said at the funeral that most of her friends had turned their backs on them. I wondered if what she did to me, she also did to them.
That was the last day I saw her. Our relationship had been damaged and it could not return to what it had once been. Unfortunately, forgetting is not a choice I can make because even though I may not remember what I ate yesterday or where I’m supposed to go today, I remember everything from my past. But I no longer carry a grudge against her. I forgave her and I moved on. That was a conscious choice I made, and my heart feels a lot lighter than it did before God granted me the opportunity to be with her one last time when she needed me most. Or just maybe, I was the one that needed her most because I needed to forgive her so I could have closure.
I hope that if I have ever done anything hurtful, that you forgive me. I hope that if I ever do anything hurtful in the future, that you will forgive me. I like to think that I would never do anything intentionally to hurt another person, but I am human. So I apologize for my absent mindedness that sometimes makes me forget important events, and for my tongue that sometimes gets me in trouble, and for my perfectionist personality that sometimes expects too much… I hope you forgive me, not for me, but for yourself. I don’t want to be a pain in your heart.
Copyright © 2022 Christy Romero. All rights reserved.
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