Finding Hope in the Desert

“The living God is the One who walks in dust and ruin to come and find you, to meet you, to walk with you, and to bring you home.” Kristi McLelland

I have never liked the desert. And when I say the desert, I don’t mean the actual desert, even though I don’t think I would like it either. But in this case, the desert that I’m talking about is the inner desert. And I’ve been traversing an inner desert for the past few months. In Ignatian Spirituality, this inner desert is referred to as desolation. It’s the perfect word to describe what I have been feeling. I have felt desolate. I cannot pinpoint a specific reason why I have been feeling this way, but I have. I keep asking God, what is wrong with me? I have every reason to feel joyful: an amazing husband, three healthy and independent children whom have found perfect matches and are all thriving, a beautiful 9-month-old grandson… I have lots of friends, a great prayer community, and yet, I have been feeling so empty inside.

I turned off all my social media accounts in order to dedicate more time to myself and to God. It has not helped. If anything, I feel even more isolated. At first, a few friends reached out to me. I was grateful, but I knew there was not much anyone could do. I had to get out of the hole on my own. Now, two months later, I feel that whether I return to social media or not, it won’t make a difference. Has anyone missed me? Probably not.

There’s a cost to trying to maintain the facade that everything in your life is perfect, that everything is hunky-dory, when you are experiencing an inner earthquake. It will eventually catch up to you and take a toll. I think that’s what happened to me. I was having these feelings of desolation, and yet, I was trying to pretend that all was good. I was seeking to live in an illusion that I had created, but there is no such thing. It is more difficult to try to live in an illusion than it is to be true to yourself.

I have tried during this spiritual sabbatical to do just that, to be true to myself. I have done a lot of reflection through journaling, which is the best place where I can take an honest, hard look at myself. I have spent a lot of quiet time trying to listen to God (He’s been pretty quiet too). I have reflected on my past, and realized that it’s better not to dwell too much on the past. Yes, there are many things that I could have done better, but I cannot change the past. I need to focus on the here and now, and try to do better in the future.

I have also been listening to Podcasts on my drive to and from work. Lately, I have been listening to Kristi McLelland. She’s a Christian author, speaker, teacher, and college professor with a Masters in Christian Education. She has a Podcast called Pearls where she strings the Biblical stories (pearls) together. It’s a total of twelve episodes, and yesterday I listened to episode nine titled “A Word in the Wilderness.” It helped me to look at my inner desert differently. The wilderness is similar to the desert, and in this episode, Kristi shared that God does some of His best work in the wilderness. It’s so true. When I meditated on my past, I realized that whenever I have gone through a period of desolation, God has been at work in me, and great things have come out. And yet, I don’t like to be in this desolate place. I want to get out of the desert. 

According to Kristi, “God loves the desert.” This gave me a lot of hope. Maybe being in the desert is not so bad after all. Kristi continues: “The living God is the One who walks in dust and ruin to come and find you, to meet you, to walk with you, and to bring you home.” I realized after listening to this episode that even though I have not heard God’s voice in the desert, He is here with me, walking with me, and leading me home. “I will allure her now; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak persuasively to her” Hosea 2:16. Sometimes, God leads us into the desert so He can speak to us. And even though I have been feeling that He is quiet, I think that He has been preparing me for something great. I don’t know what that is yet, but I’m sure that He will reveal it to me when I’m ready.

While I wait, I have decided to reopen my social media accounts. I’m not going to be obsessive with them like I used to be. I will only post occasionally, and I have done some deep cleaning. I had a lot of so-called “friends” that truly were no friends at all. I have “unfriend” them. I have also “unfollowed” others. I’ll keep them as friends but I’m going to stick to positive posts. I don’t need to listen to any political comments, rudeness or angry retorts. If I want that, all I have to do is turn on the television. I will follow only those friends that make me stand in awe at what they post, and leave me feeling happy by seeing them happy. I need more beauty and goodness in my life, so if I’m not getting that through the persons that I follow, then I might as well not follow them. It’s better if I delete the people that try to eradicate my joy, my spirit, and my hope, than allow them to cast gloom on my sunny day.

Even though I’m still traversing through the desert, I feel more hopeful today than I have felt in a long time. I think God was talking to me yesterday through Kristi McLelland, by letting me know that He is walking with me, and He will never abandon me. So when I begin to feel desolate, I will grab Him by the hand and allow Him to lead me home.

Copyright © 2022 Christy Romero. All rights reserved.