Awaiting for a Glorious New Bud

“And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home” John 19:27

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and I just finished praying a rosary. I’m in Charlotte, North Carolina, sitting by the front window of my daughter and son-in-law’s home. I woke up an hour ago and couldn’t go back to sleep, therefore I figured I could do something more productive than stay in bed tossing and turning.

I was pondering in my heart about the 33-day retreat that I finished on Tuesday. In case you missed my last blog post, on July 13th I began a 33-day retreat. This was not your usual retreat. I didn’t go away for 33 days. I didn’t disconnect from the world for 33 days. I didn’t even go to a special retreat house. I did this retreat on my own and in my own home. Actually, I was not on my own. I was accompanied by Mama Mary and Jesus every step of the way. I was also accompanied by St. Louis de Montfort, St. Maximilian Kolbe, St. Teresa of Calcutta and St. John Paul II.

The purpose of the retreat was to consecrate myself to Jesus through Mary. St. Louis taught me that “I must surrender my will to God so that my life is aligned with His plans, not mine. ‘W + w = S.’ The capital W stands for God’s Will. The small w stands for my will. When the two wills are united, they equal Sanctity.” Sounds pretty simple, right? All I need to do is unite my will to God’s will in order to become a saint. If only… My hubby will be the first one to tell you that I’m no saint. Yes, I am definitely imperfect, but one must never lose hope to become perfect, right? Mama Mary can help us to reach this goal. She was the most perfect human because she was born without the stain of original sin. She completely surrendered her life to God because she aligned her will to God’s will perfectly. I know that with her help, I can improve each day to become the person that God created me to be… and hopefully a “saint” by the time I die. I can only hope.

According to St. Maximilian, the path to reach this perfection is to “belong to Mary in an ever more perfect way.” This can be accomplished “by relying on her powerful intercession, experiencing her tender care, speaking to her from our hearts, letting ourselves be led by her, having recourse to her in all things, and trusting her completely.” St. Maximilian surrendered himself completely, to the point that he traded places with a husband and father that was going to be executed in a concentration camp. He was able to surrender his life because his heart belonged to Mary. He recognized that the greatest way to give glory to God is to unite oneself to the creature who glorifies God most perfectly, Mary Immaculate. I hope that like St. Maximilian, I learn how to fully surrender my heart to Mama Mary. One way to start is by praying a daily rosary, like I just did. This allows me to have a conversation with Mary, because as I pray the mysteries, I open my heart to her and share with her all my worries and concerns, all my doubts and fears, and I also ask her to show me the path that I must follow in order to become perfect like her.

During the third week of the retreat, I was accompanied by St. Teresa of Calcutta, one of my favorite saints. St. Teresa taught me about Jesus’ thirst. Jesus thirsts for us, and He suffers when we turn away from Him. St. Teresa felt His thirst deep within her. This caused her much suffering, but she tells us that “when we experience suffering, we experience the kiss of Jesus. When we look at Him on the cross, He is looking down because He wants to kiss us, and His arms are open because He wants to embrace us.” We are precious to Him and that is why He thirsts for us. He thirsts for our love. St. Teresa taught me that I need to open my heart to Jesus just as I am. He loves me with all my imperfections. And she also taught me not to fear suffering because it is in the suffering that we experience Jesus’ embrace and kisses. I just hope that He doesn’t embrace me too hard nor kiss me too much.

On my final week of the retreat, St. John Paul II joined me. What a blessing he was for the 20th century. I will never forgive myself that I did not attend his mass when he came to Miami because it was raining. Seriously, how dumb of me to allow the rain to stop me from hearing mass from a future saint. Today, I would have gone in the middle of a snowstorm. But hindsight is 20/20 and yes, I missed the only opportunity that I would ever have of seeing him. I did get a glance of him when he passed in his popemobile through Downtown Miami, but that doesn’t compare to having attended the mass. When I finally made it to Rome for the first time, he had died two years before. I was able to visit his wooden tomb which was at the time underneath St. Peter’s Basilica. I remember it was filled with more flowers than it’s even possible to imagine. But I regress. Even though I never got to meet him in person, I have the joy of knowing that he has a very special place in heaven and I can pray to him for his intercession. He taught me during the retreat that I must belong completely to Mama Mary, just like he did. His motto was “Totus Tuus” (Totally Yours).

The retreat concluded on August 15th, the day we celebrate the Assumption of Mary. I happened to be in New York on that day. My son and daughter-in-law needed a babysitter, and of course, I couldn’t pass up on the opportunity to spend a week with my grandson. But thanks to my husband who volunteered to stay with the baby, I was able to attend mass at a nearby church, and I recited my prayer of consecration in front of a statue of Mary. Even though I was on my own, it was a very special private moment between me and Mama Mary. And what a glorious moment it was.

Now that I have been consecrated to Jesus through Mary, my journey is just beginning. Mama Mary, my spiritual mother, will walk with me on this journey. One thing that I learned during this retreat is that she is available to us in all our needs, not just the serious ones like an illness, but also the most menial ones like running out of wine at a party. 

Mama Mary also taught me to develop an “attitude of gratitude” by following her example. She was always “pondering in her heart” the “good things” that God was doing in her life. I have started a gratitude journal. Now, at the end of each day, I ponder in my heart all the good things God has done for me during the day and I write them down.

Mama Mary will not take away the crosses that I must carry, but with her help, their weight will be lighter. She had to carry her own crosses during her earthly life. As I sat by the window during my rosary, I pondered about her life. How hard it had to be to see her Son on the cross. I couldn’t help but think of my sister-in-law who lost not one, but two sons. As a mother, I cannot think of a heavier cross. I pray for all the mothers that are carrying such heavy crosses. I pray that they realize that they can turn to Mama Mary because no one understands that pain better than her. I pray that I never have to carry such a heavy cross during my journey, but whatever the future holds, I am taking Mama Mary with me. Just like John took her into his home after Jesus died, I am taking her with me into the home of my heart. I will share with her all my joys and sorrows, hopes and fears, plans and activities. My journey with her to her Son will be a path of roses, thorns and buds. Hopefully the smell of the roses will be stronger than the agony of the thorns, as I await for a glorious new bud. 

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