The next relationship I want to talk about is that between parents and children. I've given this a lot of thought because I could write about children forever, but I don't want to make this into a never-ending meditation. So what I'm going to do, is divide this relationship into three parts: little children, teenagers/adolescents and adult children. I'm somewhere in the middle between the last two but I have a lot of friends that read my blog that are still at the beginning of the parenting journey, so that is where I would like to start, at the beginning.
When children arrive into an established family unit, everything changes. The whole world is turned upside down and inside out. It's incredible how such a little person can be so powerful. Not only do they require a lot of paraphernalia, but they also come with high demands. I remember when I was pregnant with my first one, my grandmother told me to sleep as much as I could. I asked her why and her answer was: "you will never sleep the same way again." How wise her words were. Once we bring a new baby into the world and into our homes, they have a schedule of their own and sleep will never be the same way again. Even after they start to sleep through the night, most moms will never sleep profoundly again a day in their life.
When a baby arrives, it's easy, especially for us moms, to center all our attention on our bundle of joy. The problem is that sometimes we forget that before we were moms, we were wives or girlfriends. And dads sometimes become a little jealous of all the attention being showered upon this little one. I'm not saying that they don't love their baby just as much, but after all, dads are always big boys at heart, and just like an older sibling becomes jealous of all the attention given to the little baby, the same thing happens to the dads. It's up to the mom to find the perfect balance between being a wife and a mother.
When we became parents, we were very involved in "Camino." This is a retreat for couples that are about to get married by the Catholic Church. I remember that this was talked about over and over again. "You have to keep your marriage alive." "You have to find time for yourselves." This is not always easy because finding a babysitter is not simple for everyone. Many people have willing grandparents but that is not always the case. But it's important because the parents are the trunk on the family tree, and if the trunk dies, the whole tree will fall apart. Children are happier when the parents are united, even if they don't make it easy because they will demand all the attention. But deep down inside, when they see mom and dad in a loving relationship, they grow more secure and sure of themselves.
Finding this balancing act was very difficult for me. Becoming a mom was and has been by far my greatest accomplishment. I would give away my degree, my business, my house and all my possessions, but I would never give away my children. They filled me and completed me in a way that nothing else mattered. They are the greatest gift that I received from God and they made me understand how much God loves us, His children.
I always knew that I wanted to be a mommy. I dreamed of it since I was a little girl. And when I tried to become pregnant and couldn't, my world came crashing down. It took two years of tests, procedures, infertility treatment, and lots and lots of prayers, until I held that baby boy for the first time in my hands. It was one of the happiest days of my life. The other two were the birth of my other two children. If I had not been able to have a child, I would have definitely adopted. I know that I would have never felt complete if I had not become a mom. But God answered my prayer, not just once but three times.
My oldest two are just 12 months apart because after trying so hard to have the first one, I never thought it would be so easy to get pregnant the second time, especially while I was breastfeeding. But I did and we had a baby girl who was in a hurry to come out and arrived three weeks ahead of schedule. You can only imagine how much time they took out of me. I worked full time at the time so between work, taking them to the sitter, feeding them, bathing them, and just simply spending time with them, by the end of the day, I was exhausted. Thinking about a night out was laughable. Our date nights revolved around the kids and their schedule. But eventually, we found our balance and even though, they were still the center of our attention, we began to focus more on each other.
I had always wanted to have four children, but having two so close together was tougher than I anticipated. By the time they were 5 and 4, I thought maybe two was plenty. After all, I had a healthy boy and a healthy girl. What more could I ask for? But God had other plans and when they were 6 and 5, He sent us a Christmas gift, another healthy baby boy. Just like his sister, he was eager to arrive early so even though we were not expecting him until early 1995, he showed up on Christmas Eve 1994. And he really came to turn our world upside down, in a good way. Now we were outnumbered with more kids in the house than adults. But we made it work and I would not change them for anything.
The hardest part for me from those early years was when they got sick. And boy, did they get sick. Not just the regular ear infections and colds. When my kids got sick, they had an uncanny ability to really complicate matters. Alex had surgery when he was 17 days old, Rafi spent 15 days in the hospital with encephalitis and Chabeli used to get these fevers out of the blue with no other symptoms, and every time they would pinch her to withdraw blood to try to figure out the reason for the fever, my heart would break. It got to the point that I wanted to keep them in a crystal box and never take them out. The minute they sneezed for the first time, I became paranoid. I didn't want to visit another hospital in my life.
If there was one thing that I would change from those early years, it would be to give them more time to be just kids. Sometimes we put so much pressure on our little ones, that we forget to just allow them to be kids. We live in an age of constant competition. We want our kids to be little Einsteins so we push them to their limit. So what if they start walking at 9 months or 15? So what if they get an A or a C? Not every little girl will become a prima ballerina and not every boy will turn out to be a Michael Jordan or a Dan Marino. We have to remember that our kids are just kids and kids need to have fun.
I got into the rat race with them. It was inevitable, everyone else was doing it. I rushed them from one activity to another. I look back and I wonder how in the world did we manage it. The car became our second home. Half the time, we ate and did homework in the car. We were juggling ballet, soccer, karate, baseball, football, cheerleading, gymnastics, piano, basketball, cross country, guitar, tennis, swimming... Yes, my kids were involved in one of those extra curricular activities at some point or another. Many times two or three at a time. I get exhausted just thinking about it. I must have been completely and utterly out of my mind. But at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. After all, exercise is good for them. It beat having them become couch potatoes.
In retrospect, if I had to do it all over again, I would have tried to find their passion and channeled it the right way. There was no need to have them in multiple activities at one time. Their days didn't need to be accounted for to the last second. Kids need time to just be kids, to enjoy being kids and to be creative with their time. Not everything should be planned for them to the last minute detail.
Of course, hindsight is 20/20. It's easier to realize this now that I have already crossed that tunnel than when I was inside the tunnel. I think Alex had it a lot easier than Rafi and Chabeli because I had learned from my mistakes. We concentrated on just one activity at a time. He liked basketball so that's what he played. I knew he would never join the NBA, but he truly loved it and he was in the team with all his school friends. Eventually, he told me he wanted to play tennis and guitar so we added those two as well. But the difference is that it was his choice, not mine. Rafi recently confessed that he truly disliked baseball. Poor kid. I signed him up year after year. I can say that I didn't know because he never told me, but kids sometimes don't know how to say it in words. All we have to do is read their body language. He procrastinated to the last minute every time he had to go to baseball practice. The same thing happened to Chabeli and ballet. But she was more outspoken so when she was about 8 or 9, she said no more and she hung up her ballet slippers. Yet piano, she loved it. So what is the point of having them do things against their will when there are so many to choose from? Just because we liked something when we were kids doesn't mean they are going to like it too.
And when summer came, I signed them up for summer camp because they had to stay busy, every day, every hour, every minute. Until one summer when I decided that we were going to do something different. We were going to do nothing. And it was probably the best summer of their lives and the most relaxed for me. We went to the beach if we felt like it or just stayed home doing nothing. By this time I had already left the 9 to 5 work race and I was starting my own business working from home, so I had the luxury to do this. I know most working moms don't have this choice but it made me realize that our kids don't need to master everything. We need to find what they like and allow them to do that.
In the blink of an eye, our little kids will become teenagers. Sometimes I hear a young mother say: "Oh, I can't wait until she walks" or "I can't wait until he goes to school." And I want to scream: "Enjoy the moment. Hold on to today and don't push them to grow up before their time." The childhood years are the best. At night, we know where they are. The most we have to worry about is the sniffles or a bad school day. And if we give them the time to just be kids, they will surprise us with their wit, creativity and spontaneity.
One thing is certain, children don't come with instructions. We learn as they grow. But the most important thing they need from us is our unconditional love and support. We don't need to try so hard. They are a gift from God and He loves them even more than we do. So as long as we partner with Him, everything will work out fine.
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