The relationship between parents and children takes a dramatic shift when they become adults. And sometimes, it's difficult for parents to accept. We are used to telling them what to do. We are used to having them depend on us. And all of a sudden, they don't need us so much anymore. And not just that, they begin to do things differently from everything we've ever taught them. They become their own person and we ask ourselves: "how did this happen?"
In the last thirty years a lot has changed. We usually wouldn't leave our parental home until we got married. Many of us didn't go away to college because our parents had just arrived to the United States and the idea of us going away to a different state when we had a perfectly good college and university right here in town was out of the question. But for our children, it was totally different. They had opportunities that we never had. And we allowed them to fly and spread their wings. The sky was the limit so many of them went away to college. While away from us, they got used to living on their own. It was hard for them to graduate and return to the parental home. So as soon as they found a job, even if it was in town, they moved out. And this is a good thing. We taught them to fly so it would be selfish from us to try to keep them inside the nest.
One thing that I feel that as parents we have failed collectively is that perhaps, we have given them too much: too much help at school, too much planning out their lives for them, too many toys, too much clothing, too much of everything. I feel that this has given them a false sense of entitlement. Sometimes they think that the world owes them something and unfortunately, the world doesn't owe them anything. We didn't realize that in giving them so much and making life easier for them, we were not preparing them to fail. And as we all know, the real world is not always easy. This is a common topic of conversation among my friends. Most claim that their adult children get frustrated and give up easily when things don't go their way. I hope they learn from our mistakes and they will allow their children, our grandchildren, to struggle a bit more so they can learn how to weather the storms in their path without giving up at the first sight of lightning.
Also, because our lives were so ingrained with their lives, we felt that we could plan their future just as we planned every day for them. And it's been a rude awakening for our generation to accept that some of the choices our adult children are making, goes against our dreams and plans for them. And sometimes, it even goes against everything that we have been taught. Our values are so ingrained in us that one of the hardest things for us to accept has been seeing this generation living with their significant others before marriage. But they are so much more open than we ever were. They are not confined by prejudice or judgment. And so, most of us have had to accept it and embrace it, because otherwise we would jeopardize our relationship with them. Deep inside, I still long that my children will opt for a sacramental marriage, but I'm seeing more and more that this is not always a priority for them. And it saddens me because I know how difficult holding a marriage together can be, even with God at its center. But at the end of the day, they are adults and they are going to make their own choices. And I've learned that if they don't ask for my opinion, I don't freely give it.
They are also choosing to practice their religion very differently from us. My three kids attended Catholic school and Sunday mass their whole life, but currently, none of them go to mass. I feel that they got to know God academically, in their heads, but they don't know Him spiritually, deep within their hearts. My daughter told me not too long ago, "it has taken me years to shake off all the guilt planted within me by my Catholic school education." It made me stop and think. Our God is not a God of guilt, it's a God of love. Somewhere along the way, we may have lost track of the right way to inspire them. And definitely, making them feel guilty if they didn't go to mass was not the right way to bring them closer to God, on the contrary, it pushed them away, at least from attending mass. I know they believe in God and they pray, but I also know how difficult it is to maintain this relationship with God without a community of faith to give them the support they will need when the going gets tough. So every day I pray that somehow, someway, they find a community that fills them and where they can grow in their faith, because I know that otherwise, sooner or later, the weeds of the world will suffocate them, and it will be very difficult for the good seeds that were planted as they were growing up to find its way out into the sunshine. I also hope and pray that they find their way back to His Home, not out of guilt, but because they feel loved by Him and by His community.
One thing that I truly admire about the millennials, as this new generation has been labeled, is their openness toward other races and religions. We grew up with more prejudices. Even if we don't consider ourselves racist, we tend to label people when we talk about them: "My Russian neighbors, the Chinese guy, the Jewish Doctor, the black family..." This new generation doesn't place any labels, they see each other as equals. My son Alex met John during orientation. They were both pre-pharmacy, within a year they both changed to business school, and on their junior year, they decided to lease a house with four other friends. I had never met John until I went to visit Alex a year ago, and to my surprise, John was not the blond American boy that I had conjured in my mind. John is as dark as can be, but to Alex, color makes absolutely no difference so he never mentioned it. It actually made me feel very happy that he had only referred to John as "my friend." I always taught my kids to value people from the inside out, to look at the heart not the skin, and I am in awe of them because they are teaching me so much more than I have ever taught them. Shame on me for thinking that John was blond and white before I even met him. I'm happy for my kids that they don't have the boundaries that still to this day, keep us apart from some amazing people just because they are different on the outside or because they practice a different religion. I hope the millennials can make a difference in our world and break all the barriers that keep us apart.
As our relationship with our children takes a dramatic turn when they become adults and we learn to let go, we have to remember that God knows them even better than we do. They are His wonderful creation and He has known them from the moment they were conceived. God has a plan for them which is probably totally different than our plan. We have to step aside so His plan can take shape in their lives. We did all we could, now we have to let them fly on their own and allow them to learn from their own mistakes. In the meantime, we can stand on the sidelines, always available when they need an ear to listen, a solicited advise, a hug or a shoulder to cry on. And always, always praying, while trusting God and allowing Him to do His work.
No comments:
Post a Comment