If I had to choose just one word to describe the decade that encompasses the teenage and the college years, I would pick "anxiety." It was by far the most anxious decade of my life, and since my youngest is still in college, I'm still living it. I call it the never ending decade. I've been living it now for 15 years. No wonder I have so many white hairs.
Even Jesus gave his parents great anxiety when He was 12-years-old and decided to stay behind in Jerusalem without telling them. If He misbehaved this much when He was 12, I can only imagine what His teenage years must have been like. No wonder they left that part of His life out of the Bible.
In general, the teenage years for us were not too bad. Our kids were good, most of the time. But we still had to deal with rebelliousness, wanting to stay out past curfew, testing our limits, an occasional school detention, dating, and we had our share of bullying. This last one was one that I recall bringing quite a bit of anxiety into our home and into the home of many families we know. Children can be very cruel. And it doesn't start in the teenage years. It starts much earlier. The problem is that when they are small, we don't think it's all that important and that it will pass. But when a child gets excluded from a birthday party where the majority of the class was invited, it hurts them and it begins to leave a mark. What makes a kid more vulnerable to bullying than others? Well, I'm not a psychologist but I think that sometimes is based on looks, for example a child that is overweight or wears glasses or has acne may be more prone to bullying. And sometimes is based on personality. A shy and introverted child may have more trouble fitting in than an outgoing, chatty one. This may begin in the early years but it will definitely peak in the teenage years. And many times we parents feel totally helpless as to how we can help because sometimes getting involved may make the situation even worst. But when it peaks and it begins to affect our child's grades, or their sleep, or their self-esteem, we don't have a choice and this causes a lot of anxiety for all parties involved.
The three areas that terrified us the most as we entered this period in the lives of our children were alcohol, drugs, and driving. My oldest was 12-years-old when our community was shaken to its very core because a beautiful 16-year-old girl was killed while she was skating in Pinecrest. The driver that killed her was another beautiful 18-year-old girl who had been drinking tequila and smoking pot. Many of us were guilty of quickly pointing fingers: "Where were those parents? What were they thinking?" And I'm talking about accusations and rumors being spread out about both sets of parents, one set for allowing their daughter to skate alone down such a busy street and the other for not having better control of their daughter. I found myself in many of those conversations. At the time, we all thought that we were the parents of "perfect" children and that something so horrible could never happen to us. Oh what a tangled web we weave. And how could we have been so condescending.
Fast forward 15 years. Most of us parents that thought that just because we were involved in our children's lives, that because we sent them to private school and took them to church every Sunday, it would be enough to guarantee that our kids would stay in the right path and never get into trouble, received a well deserved slap on the face. We were proud parents but in the process we forgot that our children were human and that peer pressure was a very strong force for which nothing could prepare them. If you were blessed with a child that never got in any kind of trouble, that never experimented with alcohol or drugs, that survived the teenage and college years without a single mishap, drop down on your knees and say a prayer of thankfulness, because you my dear friend are in the minority. Even Mama Mary experienced anxiety during this turbulent decade, I can guarantee it because Jesus, even though He was divine and sinless, was also human.
As anxious as this decade can be, they must go through it because it's the tunnel that leads them to adulthood. And all we can pray for is that they mature and learn from their mistakes. In the meantime, we moms and dads, learn to pray, to let go and trust in the Lord. The rosary became my constant companion, especially during my hours of worry when I would sit alone in the dark waiting for them to come home. It brought me mercy in the midst of the anxiety, and a ray of light to my moments of darkness.
Thank God that during these anxious years, I became very involved in Emmaus. It was through the love and support of this wonderful community, that I survived. It made me realize that I was not alone. Everyone was going through some kind of fire. It's just that in social media we get a false sense of perfection. For the most part, everyone just shares the good things. Yes, we may share and ask for prayers if our child is in the hospital for an appendicis, but most people are not going to share and ask for prayers if our child came home drunk last night. But when you are in a retreat, with other women that are opening up and sharing the deepest anguish of their hearts, you start to open up too like a sunflower that has been in the darkness for far too long. And it's so much easier when we allow others to help us carry our heavy baggage.
We now have a mother's prayers group, mostly made up of moms of young adult children. We try to meet once a month and we follow the prayers of St. Monica, who prayed for years and years for her son Augustine who was on the road to perdition. St. Monica persevered and God took pity on her and touched Augustine's heart. And his conversion is one of the greatest miracles of our church.
Also, because we all lead busy lives and sometimes getting to this prayer meeting becomes impossible, this week I was inspired to create a mother's prayer group on Facebook. I'm calling it "Mother's Hour of Mercy." So if you find yourself awake in the middle of the night experiencing your hour of worry, come visit us as together we pray for mercy so our worries can subside. And through the intercession of St. Monica, patron saint of mothers, may we find peace in the night. It's a closed group so if you want to join, let me know and I will add you.
As I look back on these years where there was never a dull moment, I also recall that there were moments of great joy. The day we saw our children attend their first formal dance. The day they received an award for a job well done. The day they marched down the stage and received their high school diploma. The day they felt in love. The day they graduated from college. The day they got a job offer. The day that they said "thank you mom and dad for all you sacrificed, for all the sleepless nights, for all the anxiety we caused you." I have a young adult son that just got engaged, a daughter that is very responsible and fully independent, and a college boy that I'm still trying to get through the tunnel unscathed but who is maturing into a fine young man in front of my eyes. And in the meantime, I continue praying the rosary and asking St. Monica for her intercession:
"Dear St. Monica, troubled wife and mother, I need your prayers. You know exactly how I'm feeling because you once felt it yourself. Many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime. Yet, you never despaired or lost faith. With confidence, persistence, and profound faith, you perseveringly pursued your wayward son, not with threats but with prayerful cries to heaven, you prayed daily for his conversion, and your prayers were answered. Grant me that same fortitude, patience, and trust in the Lord.
Please intercede for all mothers in our day so that we may learn to draw our children to God. Show us how to remain close to our children, even if they go astray. Please join us in begging the Lord's powerful grace to flow into our children's life. Ask the Lord Jesus to soften their hearts, prepare a path that will lead them always towards God, and activate the Holy Spirit in their life.
Pray for our children and pray for us, dear St Monica. Amen."
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