September 21, 2007
Dear Jesus:
Here I am, Lord, at the beginning of the "Spiritual Exercises." I have come to be with You. I need You. I need to feel You. I need You to come and tap me on the shoulder. I have sat here, on this hard bench, waiting to feel You, waiting to hear You... I feel abandoned. You didn't even grant me the beauty of the sunrise. I came downstairs before 6 am, and all You gave me were clouds. Even when the sun was about to rise above the clouds, You sent more clouds, and You planted them right in front of the sun.
Why Lord? Why are You doing this to me? What have I done? I know that You are the Good Shepherd. Well, I am one of your sheep and I feel so lost. I feel so helpless. And I need You. I need You to come looking for me. I need You to find me. I know that You lay down your life for me, but that was 2,000 years ago. Will You do it again, Lord? Will You lay down your life for me again? I am not worthy, Lord. I am not worthy of your sacrifice. But I need You. I need You so bad. I feel like I am drowning. I feel so overwhelmed.
It's 7:15 am and the sun is still hiding behind the clouds. You won't even let me catch a glimpse. Please, find me this weekend. Save me from this immense pain that I feel in my heart. I need You, Lord.
As I walked away, the sun came out, but I never looked back.
I love You, Jesus!!!
September 21, 2017
Dear Jesus:
When I arrived to those Spiritual Exercises ten years ago, I arrived with a lot of baggage. I had just dropped off Rafi in college for the first time with a lot of hope and expectations. Just one week after I left him there, he drank too much, he passed out, he was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, and he spent the night in the ER with an IV all by himself. The worst part is that we were never notified, by the university or the hospital. We didn't find out until he decided to tell us three days later.
I had a hard time opening my ears to hear your message because I couldn't get past worrying about Rafi. I could not take the worry out of my heart. I was engulfed in a profound sadness. It was a mixture of disappointment at what he did, and concern about the results of his poor decision. I could not stop thinking about it. I knew that I needed to let it go. I knew that You were in control. I knew that I needed to trust You. But I was doubting You so much. I just couldn't comprehend why, after entrusting my son over to You, You had let me down.
At one point, I opened my Bible and I read: "Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?" Matthew 6:27. At that moment, You touched my heart. You told me that worrying was not leading me anywhere. You told me that my worrying about Rafi was not going to help him in any way. You told me to unite my suffering with your suffering on the cross. You answered my question by letting me know that You would do it all over again. You would lay down your life for me once again. You would also lay down your life for Rafi, every day if You had to.
After hearing your voice in the silence of my heart, I was still afraid, but I knew that I could not allow fear to take control of my life. You asked me to hand Rafi over to You once again. It was then that I realized that Rafi was also one of your lost sheep. I released him to You, and I knew that You would find him. I knew that everything would be fine because You were in control.
Once I did that, I was able to open my whole heart to You. And wow, how You touched me that weekend. I felt You all around me. You used my desolation to get to me. I had reached rock bottom, but when I placed my desolation at the foot of your cross, everything began to change. You grabbed my attention, and reminded me that You are the source of all goodness. You purged me and purified me that weekend. You became my core.
I love You, Jesus!!!
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