August 28, 2007
Dear Jesus:
A week has passed since I last had this "living-room" intimacy with You. This weekend, all the hula hoops I was trying to balance came tumbling down. Yes, I can blame it on being sick and not having the energy to even move, but the fact is that I feel completely stressed-out, overwhelmed and unappreciated.
I have the pressure of Rafi's departure to college on my shoulders. In top of the rollercoaster of emotions that I'm feeling because I'm going to miss him tremendously, I feel I'm responsible for the full-extent of the preparations: flight-hotel-car reservations for our trip to drop him off, buying and packing all the items he needs for the camping trip that Princeton offers to the incoming freshmen, getting all the supplies for his dorm, opening a bank account for him, teaching him how to handle the finances, etc. In addition, he planned a good-bye "getty" with friends (encouraged by me), but that means that now I need to make sure that the house is spotless, the lawn is cut, that there are enough drinks and food, etc.
I must also not forget that I have two other kids. Chabeli already threw in my face, that this year I forgot to take their traditional first day of school pictures. It's true. I completely forgot. How could I? This is her senior year. I'm supposed to be giving her my undivided attention. I have tried to take the picture all week long, but there doesn't seem to be a good day. I think she's doing it on purpose: "my hair is not pretty today," "I'm too tired." It's her way of punishing me for forgetting. I haven't even picked up her senior pictures which have been ready for three weeks now. I have to help her put together her senior page for the yearbook and her fashion show ad, and to top it off, I missed the second meeting for the fashion show because I forgot, and tomorrow, I will have to miss the third one because of Rafi's "getty." Of course, I didn't have to be in the fashion show committee, but I'm a super-mom so I just have to be involved in everything. Jesus, I'm drowning. Please throw me a lifeline.
Then there's Alex. I feel like I have pushed him on the sidelines, and he's completely on his own. I know there are still a few items on his supply list missing, and I just don't have the energy to go "supply" shopping. Tonight is "back-to-school" night at Belen, and I will be there dragging my feet, because if I don't go, who will? Right now, Rafe has more than enough on his plate with work. He's completely stressed out. Yesterday, he was telling me that he felt like he was coming down with a cold. I can't allow that. It's bad enough I got sick. Both of us would be a complete disaster.
I'm looking around me and the house is upside down. The breakfast dishes have not been picked up. The beds have not been made. There are stacks of paper everywhere with unpaid bills and unopened mail. I still have to meet with the contractor. Yes, as if I didn't have enough on my plate, we are about to embark on a project of dust and disaster that will last a few months. We are redoing both bathrooms and all the closets.
I know that I am not alone. All moms feel exactly the same way. That's usually the topic of conversation when we have a minute to get together. It's not that I don't enjoy the things that I do for my kids and for my husband. I enjoy it and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It's just that sometimes, like today, I feel like I'm invisible. I feel like nothing of what I do matters. What I do, goes completely unnoticed. It's what I don't do, what I forget to do, or the tasks that I couldn't finish that everyone notices: "Mom, you forgot to take my picture on the first day of school." "Mom, you said you were going to take me "supply" shopping today." "Mom, what can I eat? Is there food? There's nothing to eat in this house..." I am invisible. Everything I do goes unnoticed. But I better not forget anything.
Jesus, forgive me. I should be grateful for the lack of time because that means that my days are not spent in idleness. I should be giving You thanks for my husband and my children instead of complaining to You. I am grateful. I thank You for my family. I thank You for every busy minute of my day. It's just that sometimes it would be nice to know that I am noticed, that what I do matters to someone. Sometimes, it would be nice to hear "thank you for..." instead of "when are you...," "remember to...," "don't forget..."
I am invisible, but I know that someday they will notice. In the meantime, I just have to keep loving them the way only a mom can love.
I love You, Jesus!!!
August 28, 2017
Dear Jesus:
I'm stressed out just from reading my letter to You from ten years ago. What was I thinking? If I had to do it all over again, I would definitely not try to be a super-mom. Here are fifteen lessons I learned from my failed attempt at being a super-mom:
- If all the hula hoops fall to the ground, it's fine. I can pick them up again. And it's not necessary to balance a dozen hula hoops at a time.
- I didn't need to be a super-mom all of the time. If I had delegated some of the responsibilities I took upon my shoulders to the kids, I would have not been as stressed out and they would have learned faster to manage their lives.
- The youngest child is not the least cared child. It's actually to their advantage that we have less time to be so involved. Alex became independent and self-sufficient much faster than his brother and sister. And he never held it against me.
- When they had "gettys," the house did not need to be perfect. The last thing their friends noticed was whether the lawn was cut or the floors were shining. All they cared about was being together and having a good time. And if the food ran out, pizza delivery was just a phone call away.
- It's fine for the house to be upside down once in a while. My kids remember the times we spent together and all the times they had friends over. They do not remember whether the dishes were in the sink or the beds were unmade.
- It's not necessary to do everything equally for each child. It was impossible when I had multiple children to give each one my undivided attention all the time. As long as I love each of them equally, that's all that matters. First day of school pictures are irrelevant in the overall scheme of things.
- It's more important to spend quality time with them, than to spend time in their school with other parents while they are home alone. I didn't need to be a delegate parent for every child in every grade. They couldn't care less whether I was part of the fashion show committee or the graduation committee. As a matter of fact, the older they got, the less they wanted me to be involved. Alex forbid me from becoming a delegate parent for his grade. And I am so thankful.
- I didn't need to be super organized all of the time. If they didn't have all their supplies on the first day of school, it was not the end of the world. They survived. And if I couldn't get through everything in my extensive to-do list, that was fine too. We got through the important stuff.
- Sleep is necessary, even for moms. I didn't need to be awake while everyone else was sleeping trying to finish what I couldn't accomplish during the day. And all those worry hours I spent awake were best spent with a rosary in my hands.
- "Mommy time" is extremely important, and should be high on the priority list. The better I take care of myself, the better I can take care of them. After all, they still need me in their lives and will need me for many years to come.
- Paying attention to my hubby was equally important. It still is. After all, we are the roots of the family tree, and now that the kids are grown up, we are by ourselves most of the time. Even though we always nourished our relationship, there were many dates and trips we missed because our children always came first. Leaving them with the grandparents once in a while was perfectly acceptable.
- Kisses and hugs are always necessary, even when they grow up. Especially when they grow up!!! And there can never be too much, so I need to continue kissing them and hugging them.
- Carrying all that guilt around for the things I could not do was a waste of time. I have learned to forgive myself for not being perfect. I wish I had learned that lesson much earlier.
- I am not invisible. My children did appreciate what I did for them, even if they didn't express it in words all of the time. I am seeing the results now, one decade later. Even though many times I failed at being a super-mom, I tried my best.
- And the biggest lesson I learned was that the most important thing was not that I got rewarded for my work, the most important thing is that I did it because I love them, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
I love You, Jesus!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment